A person no one needs: how to stop feeling unwanted

I'm all alone. But this is not my choice, it’s just that at some point no one needed me. I don’t know if it happened suddenly or gradually, but I am the most extra person on Earth. No one calls, invites me to visit, asks how I’m doing, cooks scrambled eggs for breakfast and waits for me to come home. There is silence and emptiness around me, and there is pain inside. The pain of being over an abyss, thrown out like a worn-out pencil, like a torn shoe, like a broken chair.

The feeling of uselessness hung over me like a black cloud over a field - there was no way to run away from it or hide. How could this happen? I’m here, I’m here, I exist, why doesn’t everyone around me care? Why was I left alone and what should I do now if no one needs you?

These questions are not at all rhetorical, but quite specific. We will answer them in this article using the knowledge gained at the training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan.

A man needs a man

All our states are the result of interaction with other people. Despite the fact that we are all different, we see the world in our own way and strive to achieve, often opposite goals, we are still in the same boat. If we are unable to build harmonious relationships in a team, among friends or in a couple, then we experience suffering and ask the question: why no one needs or needs me.

A painful feeling in the heart, and hysteria in the soul. This is how a person with a visual vector feels a sense of uselessness. Among the million-strong city crowd and the seven billion population of the entire planet, for some reason he didn’t have anyone who would come up, hug him and say: “ No, you're not redundant. I really need you" These words would instantly dispel all the emotional pain, and the world would no longer seem so evil and insensitive.

Nobody needs me: when love gives way to indifference

A visual person is naturally endowed with the ability to build strong emotional connections with other people through empathy, compassion and the highest earthly feeling - love. If for some reason these connections collapse, then he falls into black melancholy and there is a feeling that he is a useless person. The reason for this may be moving to another city or country, breaking up a couple relationship, or passing away loved one. All these events are very difficult for a person with a visual vector.

But loss is not only a breakup or death. It also happens that, for example, a relationship in a couple has turned into an ordinary neighborhood. Instead of compliments, care and intimate conversations, all interaction between spouses comes down to two phrases: “ Good morning" And " Good night" The viewer, for whom emotional manifestations are as necessary as air, feels indifference towards himself. But he so wants to love and be loved, bask in the care and attention of his wife or husband, give each other joy, arrange surprises and never, ever part. If this is not the case, then that same unbearable feeling arises in his soul: no one needs me or needs me.

I see the real you

To get rid of it, it is important to learn how to build harmonious relationships. The training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan is just about this. You will involuntarily see not the outer shell of a person, but his inner world, which will allow you to speak the same language with him and understand him like no one else. In addition, you will understand yourself, realize your nature and your internal states will change. Instead of black melancholy from loss, you will feel light sadness and gratitude that this person was in your life. The same thing will happen with the feeling of uselessness - it will be replaced by strong emotional ties with loved ones and loved ones.

Hundreds of people share their results after completing the training:

“... Now a new relationship is developing with my husband. On a completely different level! And this is after twenty years of marriage, which led to complete misunderstanding and resentment. How is this possible???
Not only is there no trace left of insults and misunderstandings... Such unreal closeness appears in our relationships (sometimes even after a long silence we begin to say the same thing)! After 20 years - getting to know each other again! Isn’t this a MIRACLE?!”

“... I began to understand others much better, the reasons for their actions, and stopped being offended on every occasion... Resentments and “chewing” on them are what poisoned my life for many years. Miraculously, people with whom I had serious conflicts reached out to me. We sincerely reached out. I saw in their eyes a desire to be in my company, which NEVER happened before...”

When no one needs you: one against all

The words I don’t need anyone from a person with a sound vector carry the same wording, but a different meaning.

Unlike an extroverted viewer, he is by nature an introvert, observing the world within himself. Questions arise in his head that lead far beyond material world: « Who am I?», « Why are we here?», « What is the meaning of everything that exists?»

The everyday concerns of most people about what to eat, how to achieve success, where to find true love, and so on, seem to him trivial and not worthy of attention. But philosophical reasoning, brilliant ideas and unprecedented sound theories are not interesting to other people. The sound artist understands that no one needs this except himself, that it is difficult for him to find like-minded people. This misunderstanding creates between him and outside world a whole abyss where he stands on one side and everyone else stands on the other.

As a result, a person with a sound vector withdraws more and more into himself. He decides that he doesn’t need anyone, and as a result, no one needs him. He does not strive for people, but at the same time he can suffer greatly from loneliness.

Me and other people: enemies or part of a single plan

But whatever one may say, we - people - are one whole and we cannot survive alone. Only by uniting do we create a collective security system and compensate for each other’s lack of any qualities. For example, a person with the skin vector organizes the production of food, the owner of the anal vector observes the traditions of past generations and passes on knowledge to descendants, spectators care about humanity and create culture, and sound artists, with the help of their powerful abstract intelligence, contribute to the process of cognition.

We need each other, and this is how nature intended. And all our negative states, like a feeling of our own uselessness, are a consequence of our misunderstanding of each other, our inability to interact with the world.

How to get out of this feeling of loneliness and thrive in steam rooms, in social relations, knows the training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan. About this

The feeling that no one needs you arises even in childhood, when your parents have no time for you, they have their own problems, work, personal life. You seem to be there, but they don’t notice you. There is no one to share your childhood joy with or ask for advice. And really get advice and understanding, and not another slap on the head and indifferent: “Go away, don’t bother me.” We carry feelings of uselessness and loneliness from childhood into adulthood. And when a guy leaves you at 18, you feel like the ugliest and most disgusting person with whom they don’t want to be together. And when your husband leaves you at 35, everything simply collapses: “No one needs…”

All people are the same. We all want to be needed, important, in demand. Being needed by someone is the most pleasant feeling that gives birth to joy, pride, tenderness, and many other positive things in the soul. But what to do when it’s as if the whole world has conspired against you, and you feel so useless?

Suggestion and requirement

The need to love and be loved is equally strong, and it is impossible to choose one or the other. As children, we don’t think about this; we already love everyone by definition. But a child often demands self-love. He gets capricious, freaks out, stomps around, and does some unthinkable things. And all this so that we, adults, pay attention to him. A child’s affection is unconditional, you just give him attention, indicate his importance in your life, and you become for him the center of the universe, the most important person on earth. It turns out that everything is simple? Is it enough to offer a person your attention, and he will answer you in kind?

Kingdom of Crooked Mirrors

Unfortunately, the world of adult uncles and aunts is formed from children to whom at one time their parents were able or unable to instill a sense of “need” in this world. Now the slightest neglect of your feelings raises childhood pain to the surface: “You don’t love me!” Uncertainty that people around you need you gives rise to low self-esteem, inability to develop your talents, a gloomy character, and even aggressiveness. And here it turns out vicious circle! You don’t develop because you are sure that no one needs it, but you don’t need it because you are closed in on yourself and your problems, and you don’t meet people halfway.

In fact, it is impossible to force another person to love you; you cannot become necessary for him by force. Be capricious like in childhood and stomp your feet? No, I'm afraid this trick won't work. The world around us- these are people who are strangers to you, everyone is busy with themselves. And it’s not a fact that if you extend your hand to someone and open your heart, they will open theirs to you. Maybe he is just as sure that no one needs him, or you are going towards him on the wrong road. Do you always reciprocate attempts to please you? I bet you don’t even notice most of these attempts by those around you. What we give is what we receive? Sometimes it only seems to us that we are giving what a person needs, but in fact we are only satisfying our own egoism.

Step forward

Imagine that someone comes to you and says: “I want to be needed by you.” Everyone will have the same reaction to such a statement: “So do something for me to make me need you!” We probably have only one way out: start working on ourselves and our attitude towards people. Do you want to become needed by a person? Do something nice for him. Let it be just a compliment and a smile. People like to be approved of. Do you want to become indispensable? Do small “pleasures” for a person that no one would do for him in everyday life: prepare morning coffee, give him a foot massage in the evening, make sure he has a warm scarf or a ticket to his favorite concert. Do you want them to take an interest in how rich you are? inner world? Have you already taken an interest in the inner world of another? Be more interested in people than they are in you. Let this be your selfless contribution to your own future “need”.

Silent as in a tank

Do you know what to be wary of? Imposing your care and attention on someone who really doesn’t need it. If a person neglects you, if not a single gesture of your attention has been reciprocated, is it necessary to spend time and effort on overcoming indifference? The best way out is to leave. Not in the literal sense, you can just stop putting your soul into useless relationships and direct your attention to something else. You can't always get what you give.

You can give a thousand pieces of advice, and be open, wise and loving a hundred times, but when you have been deeply and painfully offended, the following firmly settles in your soul: “No one needs you.”

I recently read a simple story about a girl who was crying on a bench because her boyfriend left her. When the little one asked her why she was crying so bitterly, she replied: “Nobody needs me.” The boy looked at her in bewilderment: “No one at all? Aunt, are you sure you asked everyone?”
Life is not over yet. We really haven’t asked everyone yet...

I feel like I'm the worst friend in the world. I'm not afraid to lose friends, and they easily refuse to be friends with me. I don’t have a loved one - I don’t need him... They used to tell me: you’re just a bitch! But I always took it as a compliment. Mom is starting to worry that I don’t communicate closely with anyone except her, but I’m quite comfortable with this. Tell me, who is right: me in my reluctance to communicate with anyone other than my mother, or my mother who is sounding the alarm?

Anna, 21 years old

There is reason to assume that the lack of emotional attachments and clearly expressed aggressiveness towards others, which could cause it, at some point became a kind of armor for you. You very actively insist that you are completely indifferent to people, you absolutely don’t need anyone: yes, that’s how bad I am!

You have chosen for yourself this type of “emotional insurance” from all the worries, sorrows and joys of emotional intimacy. I see in this decision a desperate fear of taking risks - allowing myself to become attached and being underestimated or even rejected by someone. It’s as if you are so unsure that you can be valued, respected and accepted by anyone other than your own mother that you don’t even dare try to make contact.

Sometimes deep self-doubt looks like an excess of arrogance, indifference to the feelings of other people - what schoolgirls usually call the word “harmfulness”. However, you are no longer a schoolgirl. There is a danger that the tactics you choose to protect yourself from any human relationship - like any prolonged and consistent self-deception - limit your development.

If it were a matter of real emotional coldness - and there are people in the world who really don’t really need others - you wouldn’t think about it, wouldn’t worry, wouldn’t flaunt the title of “worst friend in the world”, and certainly wouldn’t write such an emotional letter.

Now it would be important to understand what events prompted you to internal decision give up attachments and to whom are you really proving that you and your mother don’t need anyone.

Ask a question to an expert online

When no one is needed, or is there anyone alive? December. A month of summing up, assessing yourself and others and hoping for new happiness. But happiness is the fullness of life, harmony, communication, the desire to move on. And how often do we lose this state by withdrawing into ourselves, going over past grievances, being left alone with our pain and dwelling on the past. Today we will talk about a specific state of loneliness, which is usually denoted by the word “illusion.” We are accustomed to associating the state of sadness, melancholy, sadness with a break in relationships, disappointment in love, loss of intimacy. The feeling of an end, a loss, a discrepancy really evokes such feelings. We need to experience certain states of mind in a depressive manner. We are visited by existential reflections about the meaning of life, about loneliness, about death. This is how a person goes from despair to humility. When you are alone, you think about the fact that every person is vulnerable and that it is so easy to get lost among people, to feel invisible, insignificant and unnecessary. It seems that such times in a person's life are natural. Depending on childhood traumas received in early relationships with parents, such periods are easier or harder to live through. But one way or another, we sometimes need to be sad and grieve in order to re-experience the significance of human communication and closeness to people. The contrast of experiences makes life exciting, alive, full, whole. And after disappointment, hope arises, the desire to live, to enjoy life with renewed vigor. There is nothing terrible or unnatural in a state of such depression; it is not of a clinical nature that threatens a person’s health and life. Short-term blues have a natural and dynamic connotation for many people. It is believed that depression is also formed due to the cessation of desire, or, in other words, scientific language, frustration of needs. For some reason, it turns out to be impossible to get what you want. Anger, powerlessness arises and, as a result, psychological protection- depressive indifference. Anyone who experiences depression knows exactly what brings joy and pleasure in life, but at the moment of depression, for some reason, cannot get and experience it. Often such a stop on the way to the goal is real. Impossibility is created by the situation or the unwillingness of another person. When someone refuses to meet your desire halfway or the situation does not have the resources for you to get what you want. As, for example, in the fairy tale “The Twelve Months” it was difficult to get snowdrops in the middle of winter. But in a fairy tale there are fabulous resources, but in life, unfortunately, you have to reckon with impossibility, with pace, time, and material limitations. But it happens that such a stop of desire is not real, but subjective. It is associated with retroflection, when a person stops himself, believing, or rather fantasizing, that either he, the other person to whom the desire is addressed, or the space is not ready to fulfill his need. Such a person is afraid and does not even risk checking the real situation. He gets hurt by his own self-restraint from action. And that energy that can be directed towards life, joy, pleasure and accomplishments stumbles, stops and turns its path back to the person himself or freezes, turning life into boredom. Symbolically, it is like giving up life or giving up excitement. A person extinguishes himself, his excitement and freezes his life or gives it a painful character, namely suffers in different forms psychosomatics. This is how depression takes the form of collapsed aggression. Striking oneself like Scorpio, a person will certainly look and feel depressed, tired, powerless or irritable. To get out of this state, it is often enough to find a desire that cannot be fulfilled: “What do I want that is now impossible?” When the answer is found, it is necessary to voice it and acknowledge the existence of such a desire. This is already half the battle and will greatly ease the situation. Then different possibilities arise on how to deal with this desire: either look for various ways its implementation, or openly mourn the impossibility of its implementation and really say goodbye to it. Experience shows that if you do not rely on the same usual forms of achieving a goal, but focus on the need, then in most cases it is possible to get what you want. But this may not happen in the way expected, and not with the people with whom it was originally imagined. Control over forms of implementation, over actions and over behavior (both one’s own and other people’s) often overshadows the need itself and does not make it possible to satisfy it. It is difficult to get rid of such control alone - the help of a psychotherapist is needed here, because it is impossible to change the usual ways of life, behavior, perception, implementation without their awareness or simply by volition. What is not conscious will control us, not we control it. Awareness is hampered by one’s own defense mechanisms, which, even when you identify them, do not go away only according to the person’s desire or unwillingness. We need someone alive nearby who will support the changes by organizing contact in a different format. So, if your close people are used to not believing in you, you need someone else who will believe in you. If your parents make decisions for you and do not respect your boundaries, you need someone who will wait for your decision and respect it. If you rush around in anxiety and pester your loved ones, but they are indifferent to you, you need someone else who will stop you in this bustle and tell you about their attitude towards you. There is another form of depression - this is a kind of romantic or fantastic way of escaping reality. This is a form of hiding a secret, impossible desire and also a way of suffering from this knowledge: “I know that what I want from life is impossible, and therefore I will suffer forever, stubbornly ignoring reality.” Such defensive idealization is certainly a sign of fear of life, fear associated with one’s own rejection. Such a person was rejected or criticized in early childhood. And his form of life is chronic depression (possibly dating back to infancy). It is difficult to approach such a person to help him. He rejects everyone and in communication is strict, critical, cynical - in general, unpleasant. But intimacy and acceptance are the only things that can help such a person establish a real relationship with life and stop suffering. So people suffer. Common human suffering occurs because others thwart our desires. This is very possible; it happens quite often in life and leads to anger, sadness and the search for new forms of achieving goals and satisfying needs. But unusual suffering is associated with the fact that a person’s ideas about the world, about himself and others do not coincide with reality. Such a discrepancy can endlessly hurt a person and fill his soul with continuous conflicts and contradictions. In this case, neither an offender nor a traitor is needed - no one who would interfere with the joys of life. In this case, no one is needed to make your life hell. Of course, initially such inconsistencies between ideas and reality were formed in contact with parents, in childhood. However, then the world of fantasies and defenses developed independently. Such unusual suffering spoils the life not only of the person himself, but also of those around him. And to the question that people are increasingly interested in nowadays: “Why do they go to a psychotherapist or why do they pay so much money for conversations?” - the answer exists, and has been for a long time. They want to turn unusual human suffering into ordinary ones and be able to live their only life not in fantasy and not in fighting windmills, but in reality, gaining real experience and developing, as a person should from birth to death, instead of getting stuck in childhood and all my life being afraid of life, tormenting those around me. The most severe form of isolation from life is narcissism. Well, the most severe form of isolation from life is narcissism. This phenomenon is quite common nowadays. Children who matured early or aged early. Adults, confident in their magnificence and suffering from their own insignificance alone. People who spend all their vital energy on creating and maintaining an invented image of themselves. Partners incapable of close and warm relationships. Cold and cruel parents, striving for everything to be done perfectly, but giving neither love nor human warmth... Such a closed cycle of the narcissist in nature makes his life cynical, cold, insensitive and bitter. It is painful to live in a relationship with such a person. He does not need living people, but objects and functions. He doesn’t need anyone, he doesn’t need anyone alive, he doesn’t even need himself alive - he needs him to be magnificent and the best, to enjoy his own reflection in the water alone. Thus, loneliness is different from loneliness. There is a long distance from crisis to isolation, from a state of renewal to complete refusal to face life. Be sensitive to what is happening to you and seek help if you care about your quality of life. Let the new year that you are waiting for come into your life! Sincerely, Elena Baeva, psychologist, psychotherapist, trainer at the Moscow Gestalt Institute, head of the Sostoyanie shopping center.