Question for a psychologist:

Hello. I'm a guy. I met a girl. It's been dating for about 8 months now. After about a month, I was already able to confidently say that I loved her and wanted to enter into a serious relationship. Everything was fine, but after a few weeks I began to have mixed feelings. Sometimes I felt that I loved her, and sometimes I even felt that she was a stranger to me. And I was not interested in communicating with her, and I stopped feeling love. She loves me very much, I'm sure of that. And he does everything to improve our relationship. I generally don’t like virtual conversations, so we talked very little on the phone. We met 2-3 times a month, I have a busy schedule, but to put it bluntly, I was too lazy to meet. But when we met, I didn’t want her to leave, and despite the fact that I had work, we said goodbye only when it was time for her to go home. I told her everything as it was. And she said that she felt that sometimes I was somehow different. We wanted to continue hoping that everything would work out. But nothing has changed, and I decided to leave. I just thought that this was probably not the right person, and I myself felt uneasy because she always loved me, and I “sometimes.” She is very good girl. I don't want to offend her further. I see that she also doesn’t like it when I’m cold. But what can I do, I can’t bring myself to pretend all my life. Therefore, I treat everything sincerely. So we just broke up. I feel very bad and so does she. She asked if I wanted her in my life, and I said no. It was very difficult to say that. But I don’t think this can continue. Right now I really want to see her, hug her and say that I love her, bring her back. But I know that in 2 days everything will be as before, love will disappear again. They tried to break up once, but they couldn’t, I couldn’t let go of her hands, although I myself decided that we had to break up. So he didn’t say anything, and she left. I want to always feel for her what I feel now. Love, miss, never let go. I don’t know what to do, why everything turns out this way, how to solve it. Help please. Thanks in advance!

Psychologist Oksana Aleksandrovna Kryzhanovskaya answers the question.

Hello Feqan!

From your letter it seemed to me that you understand infatuation and love as one and the same thing. But in reality this is not the case. Falling in love is a vivid feeling when you madly want to see your loved one, when you miss him and don’t want to part with him. And love is, first of all, responsibility. Confidence that you can be with this person all your life, no matter what happens.

Falling in love tends to end sooner or later. Love, on the contrary, comes with time. And perhaps this is what happened in your relationship with your girl. Falling in love has passed, but love has not yet come...

I agree that there is absolutely no need to pretend all your life. But before you break up completely, try to sort out your feelings. Because, as far as I understand, you have feelings for her, and you consider her a good girl. If there is definitely no love, then there is no love; you cannot make a mistake here. And you miss her, worry about her, think about her...

Perhaps you yourself are a closed person and not too emotional. Therefore, your feelings for the girl change - sometimes they are there, sometimes they are not. And this happens, and this does not mean at all that you do not love her at all. And the fact that you are not yet ready to make a decision to be with her all your life does not mean that there is no love at all...

You feel what you feel, and you cannot force yourself to feel differently. But in any relationship there is a law that the more you invest, the more you get in return. The more good we do for a loved one, the stronger our attachment to him becomes. Try to check this, and perhaps your feelings will open up to you from a new side.

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“Many people assume that others know everything about them. This is a very common misconception. Others try to speak in hints and answer in monosyllables. Remember one old story about a reporter who was doing a story about a very respectable nursing home? The director proudly walked him through the corridors, and suddenly the reporter heard someone say in the next room: “Number 35.” Then loud laughter came from there. The same thing continued in other rooms. But in one of the rooms someone shouted: “Number 11,” and not a sound was heard in response. The reporter asked what was going on, and the director explained: these old people have lived together for so long that they know by heart all the jokes they once exchanged. And in order not to waste extra energy, they numbered all the jokes and now simply call out the numbers instead of telling them again. “I understand that,” said the reporter, “but why didn’t anyone laugh at number 11?” To this the director replied: “This poor guy just doesn’t know how to tell jokes.”

The communication trap lies in the assumption that it doesn't really matter what words are spoken, everyone will understand anyway. This assumption allows you to predict the thoughts of another person.

I remember one young man whose mother asked me to warn her every time he was about to leave. He in turn tried to convince her that he had already done this. As proof, he said: “You saw how I ironed my trousers, and you know that I never iron my trousers unless I’m going somewhere.”

One of the most common complaints that clients come to me about family members is, “I don’t know how he feels.” Ignorance creates a feeling of rejection. This leads to tension in relationships, especially family ones. People tell me they feel like they're desert island when they are trying to establish at least some connection with that family member who does not express his feelings in any way.

Oddly enough, it is those who are complained about who often experience very strong feelings. They don't even realize that they don't show them at all. They feel that they are as open to other people as they are to themselves. They reason something like this: “She knows me. So she knows how I feel."

Virginia Satir By what laws do families function? How is communication built in a couple or between parents and children? How to stop fawning, blaming, calculating and eliminating in order to finally master balanced, trusting, open communication? Everyone can get the answers that psychotherapist Virginia Satir tells us for themselves.

I can offer a small experiment that helps people better understand this difficult situation. I invite two partners to discuss something and record their conversation on a video camera. Then I show them this recording and ask them to react in some way to what they see, and also to compare their current reactions with those they had during the conversation. When viewing the recording, many are surprised because they see things on the tape that they did not even imagine during the conversation. I remember a ridiculous story that happened in one family when the father sent his son to the storeroom to get a board.

The boy was obedient. He wanted to please his father, and besides, he thought that he knew what his father wanted from him. He conscientiously went to the storage room and returned with a board that was significantly shorter than necessary. The father became terribly angry and accused his son of being stupid and absent-minded.

The father knew how long the board he needed, but it didn’t even occur to him that his son didn’t know. He never thought about it and didn't understand what we were talking about until we discussed the whole situation. Only then did he realize that he had not told his son how long the board should be.

Here's another example. On Friday at 5:30 p.m., a sixteen-year-old son asked his father, “Dad, what are you doing tonight?”

Ted, the father, replied, “Take it.”

Tom, the son, said, “I don’t need it now.”

Ted said irritably, “Why did you ask me?”

Tom got angry: “What’s the matter?”

What is this conversation about? Tom wanted to ask if his father would come cheer for him at his basketball game tonight. Tom didn't ask his father directly because he was afraid that he would refuse. That's why Tom spoke in hints.

Ted realized that Tom was hinting at something, but he thought that we're talking about about whether it is possible to use the car. Tom decided that his father just wanted to get rid of him. Then Ted became angry with his son for being ungrateful. In short, the conversation ended with both father and son becoming furious. It seems to me that such misunderstandings happen too often between people.

The correctness of the pictures that appear before a person’s inner gaze regarding what he saw or heard can be verified using the language of description, but not evaluation. Many people try to describe their condition, but they do it poorly because they abuse their assessments. For example, my “photo camera” reflects a dirty spot on the face of the interlocutor. If I use a description, I say, “You have dirt on your face.” If I use ratings, I will say in a different way: “Your face is unkempt,” and this will make you want to defend yourself. While in response to the first phrase we can only feel slight discomfort.

If we avoid judgment and limit ourselves to describing different feelings, we are at least openly, directly offended. We may not like what we hear, but we will understand each other.

Try the exercise. Tell your partner three truths about him and three truths about himself. Remember that these truths are only true for the moment. Perhaps in the future they will become incorrect. To focus on own feelings, begin each of your remarks with the words: “It seems to me that now we can say about you that you...” If this statement of yours contains a negative meaning, find the appropriate words. In my opinion, no relationship can bring true satisfaction until all its facets and aspects have been openly and honestly discussed.

There are many people who never express in words their affection for others. When they talk only about what they don't like, without emphasizing what brings satisfaction and recognition, tension and mutual hostility arise in the relationship.

Do the above exercise at least once a week. Among other things, it brings very important ideas about communication into relationships. When you share your inner feelings with another person, you achieve two important goals: you truly get to know them, and by moving from misunderstanding to intimacy, you introduce into your relationship an element of trust that we all constantly need.

If communication between partners is ambiguous, each of them begins to feel insecure and tries to protect themselves from the other. They begin to look for support and understanding somewhere else: at work, in relationships with children, with another sexual partner. When a colorless, lifeless relationship is established between a husband and wife, they become sad and bored with each other. Boredom leads to indifference, which is perhaps one of the most unpleasant human emotions and certainly one of the most common reasons for divorce. I am convinced that any strong feelings, even feelings of danger, are better than boredom.”

For more details, see V. Satir “Communication in Psychotherapy” (Institute for General Humanitarian Research, 2008).

Emotions is what we experience every day in response to the changes that happen around us.

For some people, emotions manifest themselves more vividly and vividly; their emotions are difficult not to notice. Other people are more reserved and their emotions are not so easy to grasp.

IN different situations we experience emotions of varying intensity: if the situation is ordinary, familiar, we may experience minor emotions, so moderate that we ourselves may not notice them.

And if the situation is unusual, shocking, out of the ordinary, then we can experience very strong emotions for a long period of time. For example, if we lose loved one, the emotions of grief can last from one to two years. And this is normal, this is a healthy mental reaction to painful circumstances.

Sometimes our emotions are clear to us, and sometimes they are mixed up in such a “lump” that we find it difficult to understand what we feel. And in this case, knowing what emotions are felt will help us understand our experiences.

The famous psychologist, K. Izard highlighted 13 basic emotions which are familiar to every person.

• Interest
• Joy
• Fear
• Embarrassment
• Contempt
• Disgust
• Love
• Sadness
• Astonishment

Let's talk about each of them in more detail.

Interest
When we are interested in something, we usually try to look at it. We turn our heads towards the object of interest, turn our whole body in its direction, we can even move a little, lean forward. We become attentive and ready to “absorb” what is happening.

Internally, a feeling of interest can be felt as excitement, impatience, a desire to learn, understand, understand. In some cases, breathing may even quicken or freeze, and the heartbeat may increase. According to scientists, the interested person's pupils may even dilate.

Joy
We feel joy when something pleasant for us happens. The heart begins to beat faster, we feel an inner rise and inspiration. I want to smile, laugh, even hum. And the mood improves.

Fear
We feel fear when something threatens us. The threat can be real or imagined, physical or social (for example, fear of condemnation is a threat to our peace of mind or reputation).

When we feel fear, we shrink, our breathing may freeze, our palms will sweat, our legs will give way (or they become like cotton wool), our hands may tremble, our voice may tremble. Or vice versa - the heart begins to beat strongly and there is noise in the ears. There may be a desire to run away and hide.

Guilt
Guilt is one of the most difficult feelings a person experiences. It can be felt as heaviness in the chest, a feeling of general oppression, depression. The desire to look into the eyes of the person to whom you are guilty may disappear; more precisely, the desire to lower your eyes may arise. The look of the one to whom you are guilty may seem unbearable. These feelings are often accompanied by remorse and a desire to ask for forgiveness.

This is an important emotion that allows us to maintain relationships between people, despite our mistakes and mistakes in front of each other.

Shame
It’s also a very difficult, difficult feeling. When we are ashamed, we want to hide our eyes, our cheeks begin to burn. There may be a desire to hide, to run away, a feeling that I am somehow different, bad, unsightly. Shame helps us feel when we “step over” the line of what is permitted or violate social or moral norms. In other words, it helps to keep oneself “within the framework” of moral rules.

Embarrassment
When we are embarrassed, we often blush, we want to lower our eyes, and our heart rate may increase. But these sensations are more pleasant, softer, unlike, for example, feelings of shame or guilt. You may feel the urge to sneak a look at the person who has embarrassed you.

We often experience embarrassment when there is an awkward moment of emotional intimacy with another person. For example, we are talking about something important, about some important experiences. Or another person says something very pleasant and unexpected to us. For example, when men compliment women, many women feel embarrassed.

Contempt
Contempt feels like an unpleasant feeling, it is an expression of hostility. We feel contempt, for example, when we learn that someone is committing a low, ugly, unpleasant, unworthy act. Contempt feels something like this - we feel something repulsive, and we may frown, wrinkle our nose, our upper lip may rise a little, or seem to wrinkle at the corners of our lips. Or we can seem to bite one of the corners of our lips from the unpleasantness of what is happening.

Disgust
It feels like an unpleasant, repulsive feeling. Often associated with a feeling of dirt, the vileness of what is happening. There is a desire not to approach; it may be unpleasant to talk about the subject that caused this feeling. In its external manifestations it is somewhat similar to contempt. We lower the corners of our lips, frown, wrinkle our forehead.

Love
It is felt as a feeling of flight, inspiration, craving for the object of love. We want to be close to who or what we love and talk about it. Our eyes sparkle, our voice becomes louder and clearer, we want to do wonderful and wonderful things, to become better ourselves. Sometimes we tend to idealize the object of love and not notice the flaw in it.

Anger
It occurs when we don’t like something, are very unhappy, or cause discomfort. It is experienced as strong excitement, internal boiling, there may be a sensation of expansion in the chest (some say that it is as if a balloon is inflating there), the hands become heavy, and one wants to clench them into fists, we frown, and the heartbeat quickens. There is a desire for immediate action, movement, a desire to speak, even to scream.

Sadness
It occurs when something important and pleasant ends, or the connection with it is lost. Something has gone irrevocably. It feels like general depression, confusion, some sadness, and there may be a desire to cry. The facial expression takes on an unhappy hue; you don’t want to laugh, joke, or have fun. The corners of our lips droop, the corners of our eyes droop. I want to be silent. Sometimes it feels like a bright feeling - kind of sad, but somehow in a good way, a feeling of pleasant sadness.

Grief
Grief is usually experienced when we lose something important to us - either a loved one, or health, or serious material assets(for example, a person whose house burned down may experience grief). Grief is pain, it is the experience of a kind of catastrophe in personal life. There is a feeling of joylessness, pain, gloom, you want to cry, think and talk only about what is lost. General depression, there may be a reluctance to do something, a feeling of hopelessness.

Nature has arranged it in such a way that despite the severity of this emotion, we are able to survive it, but sometimes we need help - from loved ones, friends, acquaintances, psychologists. If you are experiencing grief, do not be afraid to talk about it with others. Most people feel better when they talk about their experiences.

Astonishment
It occurs when we encounter something unusual, unusual, non-standard. There may be a feeling of misunderstanding - what is this? what's happening? Surprise is quite easy to feel facially. When surprised, we raise our eyebrows, wrinkle our forehead, and our mouth may open involuntarily, especially if the surprise is strong. We can scream, “throw up” our hands.

In order to learn to notice your emotions, it is first important to learn to listen to and trust your body. If there is a tingling or tingling somewhere, this is not always a sign of illness, sometimes it is simply a manifestation of emotions.

Listen to yourself and ask:

• what do I feel?
• what's happening to me?
• what does this have to do with?

Our emotions really help us sometimes.
By listening to emotions, we gain access to intuition.

Emotions are what we experience every day in response to the changes that happen around us.
For some people, emotions manifest themselves more vividly and vividly; their emotions are difficult not to notice. Other people are more reserved and their emotions are not so easy to grasp.
In different situations, we experience emotions of varying intensity: if the situation is ordinary, familiar, we may experience minor emotions, so moderate that we ourselves may not notice them.

And if the situation is unusual, shocking, out of the ordinary, then we can experience very strong emotions for a long period of time. For example, if we lose a loved one, the emotions of grief can last from one to two years. And this is normal, this is a healthy mental reaction to painful circumstances.
Sometimes our emotions are clear to us, and sometimes they are mixed up in such a “Lump” that we find it difficult to understand what we feel. And in this case, knowing what emotions are felt will help us understand our experiences.
The famous psychologist, K. Izard identified 13 basic emotions that are familiar to every person:

Embarrassment.

Contempt.

Disgust.

Astonishment.

Let's talk about each of them in more detail:
Interest.
When we are interested in something, we usually try to look at it. We turn our heads towards the object of interest, turn our whole body in its direction, we can even move a little, lean forward. We become attentive and ready, as it were, to “Absorb into Ourselves” what is happening.
Internally, a feeling of interest can be felt as excitement, impatience, a desire to learn, understand, understand. In some cases, breathing may even quicken or freeze, and the heartbeat may increase. According to scientists, the interested person's pupils may even dilate.

Joy.
We feel joy when something pleasant for us happens. The heart begins to beat faster, we feel an inner rise and inspiration. I want to smile, laugh, even hum. And the mood improves.

Fear.
We feel fear when something threatens us. The threat can be real or imagined, physical or social (for example, fear of judgment - a threat to our peace of mind or reputation.
When we feel fear, we shrink, our breathing may freeze, our palms will sweat, our legs will give way (or they become like cotton wool), our hands may tremble, our voice may tremble. Ilil is the opposite - the heart begins to beat strongly, there is a noise in the ears. There may be a desire to run away and hide.

Guilt.
Guilt is one of the most difficult feelings a person experiences. It can be felt as heaviness in the chest, a feeling of general oppression, depression. The desire to look into the eyes of the person to whom you are guilty may disappear; more precisely, the desire to lower your eyes may arise. The look of the one to whom you are guilty may seem unbearable. These feelings are often accompanied by remorse and a desire to ask for forgiveness.
This is an important emotion that allows us to maintain relationships between people, despite our mistakes and mistakes in front of each other.

Shame.
It’s also a very difficult, difficult feeling. When we are ashamed, we want to hide our eyes, our cheeks begin to burn. There may be a desire to hide, to run away, a feeling that I am somehow different, bad, unsightly. Shame helps us feel when we “step over” the line of what is permitted, violate social or moral norms. In other words, it helps to keep oneself “within the framework” of moral rules.

Embarrassment.
When we are embarrassed, we often blush, we want to lower our eyes, and our heart rate may increase. But these sensations are more pleasant, softer, unlike, for example, feelings of shame or guilt. You may feel the urge to sneak a look at the person who has embarrassed you.
We often experience embarrassment when there is an awkward moment of emotional intimacy with another person. For example, we are talking about something important, about some important experiences, or another person says something very pleasant and unexpected to us. For example, when men compliment women, many women feel embarrassed.

Contempt.
Contempt feels like an unpleasant feeling, it is an expression of hostility. We feel contempt, for example, when we learn that someone is committing a low, ugly, unpleasant, unworthy act. Contempt feels something like this - we feel something repulsive, and we may frown, wrinkle our nose, our upper lip may rise a little, or seem to wrinkle at the corners of our lips. Or we can seem to bite one of the corners of our lips from the unpleasantness of what is happening.

Disgust.
It feels like an unpleasant, repulsive feeling. Often associated with a feeling of dirt, the vileness of what is happening. There is a desire not to approach; it may be unpleasant to talk about the subject that caused this feeling. In its external manifestations it is somewhat similar to contempt. We lower the corners of our lips, frown, wrinkle our forehead.

Love.
It is felt as a feeling of flight, inspiration, craving for the object of love. We want to be close to who or what we love and talk about it. Our eyes sparkle, our voice becomes louder and clearer, we want to do wonderful and wonderful things, to become better ourselves. Sometimes we tend to idealize the object of love and not notice the flaw in it.

Anger.
It occurs when we don’t like something, are very unhappy, or cause discomfort. It is experienced as strong excitement, internal boiling, there may be a sensation of expansion in the chest (some say that it is as if a balloon is inflating there), the hands become heavy, and one wants to clench them into fists, we frown, and the heartbeat quickens. There is a desire for immediate action, movement, a desire to speak, even to scream.

Sadness.
It occurs when something important and pleasant ends, or the connection with it is lost. Something has passed irrevocably. It feels like general depression, confusion, some sadness, and there may be a desire to cry. The facial expression takes on an unhappy hue; you don’t want to laugh, joke, or have fun. The corners of our lips droop, the corners of our eyes droop. I want to be silent. Sometimes it feels like a bright feeling - kind of sad, but somehow in a good way, a feeling of pleasant sadness.

Grief.
Grief is usually experienced when we lose something important to us - either a loved one, or health, or serious material values ​​(for example, grief can be experienced by a person whose house burned down. Grief is pain, it is the experience of a catastrophe in a personal life. There is a feeling of joylessness, pain, gloom, you want to cry, think and talk only about what is lost. General depression, there may be a reluctance to do something, a feeling of hopelessness.
Nature has arranged it in such a way that despite the severity of this emotion, we are able to survive it, but sometimes we need help - from loved ones, friends, acquaintances, psychologists. If you are experiencing grief, do not be afraid to talk about it with others. Most people feel better when they talk about their experiences.

Astonishment.
It occurs when we encounter something unusual, unusual, non-standard. There may be a feeling of misunderstanding - what is this? What's happening? Surprise is quite easy to feel facially. When surprised, we raise our eyebrows, wrinkle our forehead, and our mouth may open involuntarily, especially if the surprise is strong. We can scream, “throw up” our hands.
In order to learn to notice your emotions, it is first important to learn to listen to and trust your body. If there is a tingling or tingling somewhere, this is not always a sign of illness, sometimes it is simply a manifestation of emotions.
Listen to yourself and ask:

What do I feel? - What's happening to me? - What is this connected with? Our emotions really help us sometimes. By listening to emotions, we gain access to intuition.

How do you understand that what you feel is love?

I used to think that love is when something just clicks in your head and heart, and you realize that you are in love. Out of the blue. Like the blow of Cupid's arrow. And you just know. Right?

Not really. After 38 years of life and many years of marriage, I no longer consider love that way. Now Cupid is more like Santa Claus to me.

Love is a series of decisions. The first decision is based on many factors, including chemistry, principles, logic, humor, intelligence, figure, social status, dreams and aspirations...

The list goes on, and the importance of each item is different for everyone. Based on these factors, we either decide to begin the love process or not. If we decide to do this, then there may be moments “when something just clicks.” The way she looked at you. How he touched your hand, etc.

But just like when flying an airplane, there are areas of turbulence. Quarreling. Conflicts. Little things that irritate. His socks. Her shopping. We begin to doubt what we have accepted the right decision.

And when we begin to doubt, we have to make the next decision: continue the “flight” with this person or get off the plane. This decision is again based on a hundred other factors.

If we decide to get off, scary free fall will make us either stronger or more miserable. But sooner or later we will find ourselves at the airport again, waiting for the next plane. And there will be turbulence again. Or maybe it won't. Maybe we'll change the destination. But the choice remains the same: fly further or jump off?

Love is the daily making of such decisions: to love or not to love. That's it.

It's simple. To continue all this or not. We can fall in love and we can fall out of love. And this does not mean that we do not love this person. This means that we have made a decision. We may continue to feel love, but we have decided not to love him anymore. The decision to love is not a feeling, it is an action.

That's why it's so difficult. This requires action from us. And this doesn’t just mean buying flowers. This means putting your needs into the background. But, like chemistry, the ability to love is not constant. It depends on what generally happens to us in life.

Sometimes love is easy. Sometimes it's very difficult. But at the end of the day, it's still our decision.

At the same time, love can intensify. The longer we stay in this flight, the more we endure together, the easier it is for us to fly. We become stronger as a couple, as individuals.

The decision to love creates opportunities to deal with things in life that we could never handle alone, and that is what makes our decision worthwhile.

So how do you know what you love? This is the wrong question. Question: Do you decide to love this person or not? Right now. Not tomorrow. Today. Make a decision. Yes or no. If the answer is yes, love as much as you can. If the answer is no, promise one thing: let that fall from the plane make you stronger.

How to understand your feelings for a person

If the attitude towards a person lends itself to at least some logical analysis, then with feelings things are much more complicated and confusing. Not all people easily identify their emotions, personal sensations and feelings. But you need to learn to listen to yourself, to your inner voice and intuition.

To do this you need complete concentration, absence of noise and fuss. It is best to determine your inner sensations alone, when nothing distracts you from the process of comprehending the great secret of your soul. Think about the person you are interested in and try to understand what exactly your heart feels towards him. Do you feel positive emotions, or vice versa? Do you want to be with him or not? You may need to think about it for a few days or even weeks, but the result you come up with will be fairly accurate.

In addition, it is quite easy to become convinced of the depth of your feelings if you live with the person you like for some time. It is in everyday life that one understands the compatibility of two people, as well as their ability to change, adapting to each other. You can be mistaken for a long time, naively believing that you are madly in love with your partner, but a few months spent together can easily and simply dispel this myth. But if you are dealing with a real soulmate, then no quarrels, trials or obstacles will allow you to throw him out of your life.

Therefore, try to communicate as often as possible with a person of the opposite sex that interests you. Only in this way will you be able to comprehend the unknown facets of his character, which can both increase your sympathy for him and kill all feelings. If you begin to experience severe discomfort in communication, you may decide to break off this connection or want to change yourself in order to save your relationship. In any case, it is not reason or the advice of friends and relatives that will help you make the right decision in the field of love and emotions. Listen only to your soul, which will not deceive you.

It happens that people confuse the concepts of love and passion. If you met relatively recently, and your thoughts revolve only around him, you cannot sleep peacefully, and during the day you constantly turn your phone in your hands in anticipation of an SMS, congratulations - you have fallen in love!

But falling in love and falling in love are two completely different things, and without knowing the differences between one and the other, you risk doing a lot of rash actions. How can you understand your feelings for a person if serious passion has flared up between you, and there is no time to figure out what you are really experiencing?

First of all, you need to realize that this is a temporary stage that will not last forever. The so-called “candy-bouquet period” will pass quite quickly, and the person will begin to reveal a different side to you. It is quite possible that on Fridays he likes to drink with friends in a bar, and not enjoy the work of Russian artists in art gallery. Accept as an option that your passion is far from a gift, and then his positive qualities will become a pleasant surprise for you.

How to understand what you truly love

1. Unselfishness. True love is a selfless feeling. If a man or woman is looking for benefits, constantly waiting for the chosen one to do something for him or, especially, help him financially, there is no need to talk about love. These are not emotions, but use.
2. Sexual attraction. Can true love exist without sex? It’s difficult to say, since everyone hears about so-called platonic love, which does not imply physical contact. However, many psychologists are confident that love is always combined with sexual attraction, which is completely natural. Along with the desire to possess, a person in love wants to see and hear the chosen one, to be close just like that, not because of the satisfaction of “animal” instincts.
3. Unconditional acceptance. To love is to accept a partner with all his advantages and disadvantages. A person in love does not seek to remake the chosen one to suit his patterns. Do you want to change something about your dear friend? Most likely, this is not love.
4. Trust. The ability to trust a loved one - important indicator true love. If you are used to sharing your problems and joys with your partner, you are not afraid that you will not be understood or laughed at, this is SHE. Incomplete trust is one of the signs that you still do not love this person.
5. Consistency. True love differs from falling in love in that it is not influenced by any external circumstances. For example, if relatives and friends oppose the chosen one, loving person will defend his opinion and feeling. In addition, real emotions do not change plus for minus, even if the partner turned out to be far from perfect.
6. Sacrifice. Love implies the willingness to sacrifice oneself for the sake of the one whom the heart considers the best person in the world. Sacrifice does not imply the desire to receive anything in return, the most important thing is moral satisfaction from the happiness of a loved one.

To understand your attitude towards your husband, you need to understand what you are ready for for him. What troubles and misfortunes will you go through together, shoulder to shoulder? Below are a series of questions that require a yes or no answer:

• Can you trust this person with your life?
• Will you allow me to make important decisions for you?
• If he gets sick, will you be able to give away a kidney or part of his liver so that he can live?
• Would you give your life for your loved one?
• Are you ready to be with him if he ends up in a wheelchair, to care for him and support him in difficult times?
• Are you ready to see this person every day of your life?
• After spending time apart (for example, a month), will you miss, yearn for your husband and wait for his return?

If you answered yes to all these questions or most of them, then this is really love, and you should think about connecting your whole life with this person.

Preoccupation with the thoughts, behavior, and feelings of the “loved” person leads to dependence on his or her approval. The self-perception and self-esteem of a dependent partner reflects the reaction of the “beloved” person. Expressing real emotions and thoughts becomes too risky. Therefore, playing it safe is important and can take the form of repetition or even ritual. For example, a statement such as “if you don't call me from work from nine to three every day, then you don't really love me” is not uncommon. With addiction comes intolerance for the time a couple spends apart from each other. Ownership, jealousy and patronage prevail over trust. A dependent person cannot tolerate being apart, even when there is conflict in the relationship or when the relationship is unhealthy.

Experiencing unhealthy attachment in a relationship, a dependent person, at the slightest possibility of separation, clings tightly to his “other half”, feeling hopeless. Being apart can cause physical symptoms such as impatience, lethargy or loss of appetite.

The feeling of falling in love is a wonderful and amazing feeling that captures or, on the contrary, scares us. Sooner or later, every person experiences it.

If you fall in love, then in the future you will no longer be able to imagine your life without your soulmate.

It is worth remembering that each person experiences love in completely different ways. Probably everyone who has experienced this feeling will agree that it is the most excellent and beautiful on Earth.

So let's read 10 ways to understand that you really love that person or you just like him:

1. Waking up early in the morning - this is the first person you think about

2. Your loved one is the best part of the day.

One famous American musician and actor Childish Gambino sings in one of his songs: “When I'm alone, I'd rather be with you.” Even those few minutes that you spend every day with your loved one are the best for you. You will never get tired of your soulmate and will always look for a reason to meet her.

No matter how good the day was, your loved one and dear one can brighten it with just their presence. If you just like a person, she or he will be able to make him or her better, but most likely they will not be able to be the best part of him.

3. Self-interest comes second

While you are alone, your interests are the most important to you. Love is selfless. If you really meet your true love, then the interests of your soulmate will be much more important to you than your own. This is what love is all about. Your own interests will always seem insignificant in contrast to the interests of your loved one.

4. You are not afraid to express your feelings in front of everyone.

If you really love this person, then you want the whole world to know about it. You are never shy about your feelings. If you just like a person, then you will refrain from showing feelings in public.

5. You are ready to do anything

When you are in love with someone, you will definitely do anything to make your loved one happy.

6. You plan for the long-term future.

A person in love cannot imagine his future without a specific person. Based on this, you will probably plan your future life with your loved one for the long term.

If you just like a person, then planning the future will be very scary.

7. Your love is imperfect

Love is the ability to accept the shortcomings of a loved one. You may jokingly mention them to your loved one, but in reality you will adore these imperfections of hers or his.

8. Your feelings are not conditioned by anything.

True love is not limited by conditions. When you love your soul mate unconditionally, it means only one thing - your love is absolute and it knows no conditions.

9. You get better

There are no ideal people and there is always room to grow further. If you love someone, then you always want to become the best “version” for that person.

10. Your love is your best friend

After a while, almost everyone understands that your loved one becomes for you best friend. You can reveal your deepest secrets to him or her. Your soulmate becomes a partner in crime and together you are ready to move mountains.