Often, there is nothing simpler than say no. Many of us often agree to something or don’t know how to say no normally, and then face the consequences of our desire to seem convenient to others. It takes character to say “no” in many situations. However, it is necessary to learn how to do this. So, how to say no and do it as correctly as possible?

I am one of those who often impulsively agree to something, and then I suffer myself or make others suffer, because I have already promised something. This feature was pointed out to me psychological training In graduate school and later, I myself began to notice such a trait in myself.

If you have more important plans, then you should decline a minor request so as not to ruin your own daily routine. Don’t forget that you have your own work tasks, your own hobbies and your own relatives, who don’t see you that often anyway. Should you go to work for a colleague and will he be grateful to you for this?

I once married a colleague at work, but he never replaced me. As a result, I made life easier for another person who was just a colleague. In return I received absolutely nothing. They rode me. Such exploitation should be avoided.

Often we cannot refuse other people simply because we do not have clear priorities and... Develop and then you will move towards your goals much easier and it will be more difficult to lead you astray with insignificant requests.

We always have to sacrifice something when you say yes to something. For example, if you agree to attend an entertainment event, then that evening you are unlikely to have time to work or visit a fitness club.

The strength of character and determination that is needed to learn to refuse other people is a quality that can be developed. And you must always remember that this is your life and you have every right to refuse other people. Before you say yes or no, you need to think about the motives of the person who approached you with a request. It is possible that they are simply trying to manipulate you.

It is useful to explain your refusal with reason. But “I don’t have time” is a very bad argument and most often this hides the usual reluctance to do something.

You give with your hands - you walk with your feet

One day I lent money to a friend of mine. So, when he decided to return the money (which is not bad!), I had to go to get my money almost to the other end of the city. I spent a lot of gas and time.

I also once lent some money to my cousin. He did not pick up the phone for a long time and delayed the return. Sometimes it’s easier to just refuse than to waste your time later. But that's okay. I also had cases when the money that was borrowed from me never came back to me.

Refuse confidently, otherwise they will try to convince you and lure you “to the side of evil.” Saying “yes” is easy, but dealing with the consequences is a whole story.

Write down every time you agree to something. Also write down when you refused. This kind of committing to paper will help you be more aware and not say “yes” on autopilot in the future.

How to properly refuse another person

Don't interrupt the person. Even if you know that you already want to refuse. Show respect for the other person and let them have their full say. Then don't just refuse. It is worth offering alternatives that are acceptable to you personally and that could suit both people. It is also worth saying under what conditions you would agree and why exactly now you are not able to help. Sometimes it is appropriate not to answer immediately, but to think about your answer.

You also need to be able to respond adequately to an attempt to convince you. Often, after saying “no” to something, we are still convinced. If you sincerely want to refuse, then do not agree to something out of guilt. Be consistent in your words and deeds. You may have to clearly express your refusal several times. To strengthen the persuasiveness of your position, you should think about reasonable arguments. .

It is useful to soften the refusal. For example, tell a person that you understand him, but in this situation you cannot help him. Remember that you don't have to make excuses to anyone. And at the same time, don’t go too far. If it’s not difficult for you to help and you sincerely want it, then why not lend a helping hand? Generally, people will be very grateful. You need to act according to the situation and remember to think with your own head. Don’t allow yourself to be bullied and manipulated, but you shouldn’t become a completely antisocial person who won’t lend a helping hand in a difficult moment.

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Hello! In this article we will talk about how to learn to say “no” or how to properly refuse people.

Are you familiar with situations when you are asked to do something and you agree, although your inner voice resists and advises you to do the opposite. Probably yes, if you are reading this article. This problem is very common in our society and not only among timid and anxious people, but also among brave and self-confident people. Why is it so difficult to refuse? What is this behavior based on? What guides a person at this moment: feelings or reason? And, most importantly, how to learn to say “no”?

Why are we afraid to refuse people's requests?

1. Quite often, the roots of the problem lie in strict upbringing.. Children whose authoritarian parents completely suppress their will always obey unconditionally or begin to protest against everything around them. In the first case, they carry into adulthood the habit of listening and fulfilling the requests of others.
2. Fear of ruining relationships. And the closer and more significant these relationships are, the more often we agree to fulfill requests. Thoughts usually swirl in my head: “What will he think of me? What if he considers me unreliable (unreliable)? Will he communicate with me after this?” Usually the anxiety and discomfort caused by such experiences are stronger than the desire to refuse, and we agree.
3. Fear of losing existing opportunities. Many are afraid of losing what they have and they consider any refusals a threat to their position.
4. The need to feel self-worth. “If they turn to me, it means that I am needed and important,” such a person thinks, and this greatly warms his soul. Quite often these strings are played by manipulators. “Perhaps no one can handle this except you” or “I can only entrust this matter to you” - this is how they formulate their request, and the person falls for their bait.
5. Fear of loneliness. People may fear that if they refuse a request, they will be rejected and left alone.
6. Delicacy, politeness. If these qualities are overdeveloped, and a person is accustomed to sacrificing his interests for the sake of others, then saying “no” seems extremely challenging task. Although, even being very loyal and responsive, some people know how to gracefully refuse a request.
7. Desire to avoid conflict. On the one hand, this is the fear of causing indignation in the interlocutor (relative, friend, colleague, boss). On the other hand, there are difficulties in defending your opinion.

Why is it so important to learn to refuse and say “no”

What are the consequences of not being able to say “no” and constantly providing favors to other people?

• By regularly responding to requests, you deplete your internal resources, especially if you do it against your own will. , nervous breakdowns, apathy can be consequences of this.

For example, you are burdened with additional unpaid work, you constantly stay late, and come home tired. Of course, this negatively affects health, mood and family relationships.

• Afraid of seeming impolite and callous and constantly agreeing to everything that you are persuaded to do, you end up looking in the eyes of others as spineless and unable to defend your “I”.
• By doing what other people ask you to do over and over again, you can relax them. By demonstrating constant reliability, you encourage their vices and weaknesses: laziness, selfishness, a tendency to consume, a desire to evade responsibility, and others.

For example, a friend regularly asks you to borrow money because she doesn’t know how to “live within her means,” correctly calculate her expenses and quickly spend all her savings. By fulfilling her request, you increasingly allow her to plunge into the abyss of financial problems and an irresponsible attitude towards money. Wouldn't it be better to talk openly with your friend about this and try to help her change her approach to life?

• You regularly sacrifice your interests, affairs, time, fulfilling the will of others. You may even stop developing spiritually, giving all your strength to it.

For example, a neighbor asks you to babysit her child all day and evening every Saturday. You agree by refusing to go to the gym or visit your parents. At the same time, you know that she has relatives who probably will not approve of her regular meetings with friends and parties. That’s why she turns to you, but you cannot competently refuse, because you feel sorry for the baby and sincerely want to help.

• Realizing that you are constantly being taken advantage of, you yourself begin to have a negative attitude towards these people and avoid communicating with them.

How to say “no” and be able to politely refuse a person

So, you need to correctly refuse a request in situations where:

• they use you and constantly contact you;
• indeed, there is no time, no opportunity (by various reasons) do what is asked;
• you are very tired;
• what they want from you is at odds with your views, principles, and values.

The first stage on the path to developing the ability to say “no” is admitting that you really have a problem with this, you want to solve it and learn to refuse.

Then analyze situations where you did not want to comply with a request, but were unable to say “no”. How do they affect your life? What negative consequences do they lead to? The result of the analysis should be a persistent dislike of one’s dependability and the desire to get rid of it.

After this, you need to move on to action and reinforce a valuable skill in behavior. You need to start with training at home with the possible involvement of loved ones or a friend.

How to politely refuse to communicate with someone

1. Practice saying “no” in front of the mirror. Imagine a request from someone around you, formulate a refusal phrase. Say it until you like the sound of it and until you feel confident and firm in your voice. You can ask your family to play out this situation with you. After your workout, notice how you feel.
2. It is important to put aside your fears that others will be offended, stop communicating with you, reject you, or cause a scandal if you refuse them. Surely most of your acquaintances (relatives, friends, colleagues) asking for something are adequate people who are able to understand that you also have your own affairs and needs and you cannot do it now.
3. Make it a rule: when you are asked for something, wait a while before saying “yes”, because often consent is given out of habit, automatically. A pause will help you collect your thoughts, weigh key points, and cope with anxiety.
4. Always make eye contact when you say no. This shows your confidence and firm decision. Unintelligible phrases and glances “past” the interlocutor are perceived as consent, albeit reluctant.
5. Start small - at first refuse minor requests, for example, to lend money or meet with a friend.
6. When refusing, speak on your own behalf, use the pronoun “I”: “Unfortunately, I can’t help you,” “I don’t feel comfortable doing this,” etc.
7. Don't use excuses, it reduces respect for you. The refusal should sound firm, but calm.
8. Always listen to the person before you say no. This way you will show respect for him and will have time to find the right words yourself.
9. Be sure to explain your refusal to the person, tell him why you cannot fulfill the request. This will help maintain mutual understanding between you.
10. Voice your feelings, for example: “Of course, I’m upset that I won’t be able to help my best friend.”
11. Help with advice, express your opinion on how this situation can be resolved or who is best to contact to fulfill the request.
12. How to properly refuse work if you are loaded with additional tasks? You can choose the following phrase: “I cannot fulfill these duties, since everything is spent on the project I am working on.” working hours” or “I can’t stay late at work, because I have to devote this time to my family.”

Love and respect yourself. You must be sure that having personal time and valuables is your legal right. And always remember that refusal is not a disregard for the interests of another person, but the need to make him understand that the request cannot be fulfilled “here and now.”

Practical advice and real-life examples. Why is it so important to learn to say no?

Valeria Protasova

Reading time: 6 minutes

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Every person is familiar with a situation when we really want to refuse to fulfill one or another request, but for some reason we still end up agreeing. We find a very compelling explanation for this - for example, friendship or strong sympathy, mutual assistance and much more. However, despite all these seemingly significant factors, we have to step over ourselves.

Nobody says that helping is bad! The fact is that not every help is for the good, so whether you like it or not, you just you need to know how to learn to refuse .

Why is it so difficult to say “no” to people - the main reasons

• Most often, it is more difficult to say “no” in family relationships. We are afraid that we will be considered too rude, we are afraid that a child or close relative will stop communicating with you. These and many other fears push us to make concessions and agree to fulfill the request of our neighbor.
• We are afraid of losing opportunities. Sometimes it seems to a person that if he says “no”, he will forever lose what he has. This fear is often present in the team. For example, if they want to transfer a guy to another department, but he doesn’t want to do it. He, of course, will agree for fear of being fired in the future. There are many similar examples, and each of us sooner or later encounters something similar. In this regard, many are now concerned about the question of how to learn to say no.
• Another reason for our frequent agreement is our kindness. Yes, yes! It is the constant desire to help everyone that makes us sympathize and agree to this or that request. It’s hard to get away from this, because real kindness is considered almost a treasure in our time, but few people understand how difficult it is for such people to live. If you consider yourself one of them, don't worry! We will tell you how to say no correctly without offending anyone.
• Another cause of the problem is the fear of being alone because you have a different opinion. This feeling drives us when, having our own opinion, we still join the majority. This entails inevitable consent against our will.
• In conditions of constant stress, modern people Fear of conflict develops. This means that we are afraid that if we refuse, our opponent will begin to get angry. Of course, this is never easy, but this is not a reason to agree with everything. You should always be able to defend your point of view and your opinion.
• Neither of us wants to ruin our relationship because of our refusal. , even if they were friendly. Some people may perceive the word “no” as absolute rejection, which often leads to the complete cessation of any relationship. You always need to realize how important this person is to you, and what exactly you are capable of going to for his sake. Perhaps, in such a situation, this will be the main factor influencing your consent or refusal.

Why does each of us need to learn to refuse and say “no”?

• However, before delving into methods to combat this problem, everyone needs to understand why sometimes you have to give up.
• In fact, not everyone understands that failure-free behavior can lead to negative results. The fact is that more and more often trouble-free people are considered weak-willed , and all because they don’t have the courage to say “no.” You must realize that trust or respect cannot be gained in this way. Most likely, people around you will begin to take advantage of your gentleness over time.
• Despite the fact that there is now a lot of literature on the topic of learning to say no to people, not everyone wants to fight it. And, if you still found the time to read this article, it means that now you are starting to fight this! Of course, no one says that the word “no” should be used often, since we all understand that if you use it often, you can easily remain lonely and unnecessary to anyone. Moreover, by saying a refusal, we are already internally preparing for a negative reaction from our opponent.
• To feel like a complete person, you need to find balance in your life . Everything should be in moderation so that neither your principles nor the principles of others suffer. Undoubtedly, you need to help, but you always need to analyze the situation and act according to the conclusions. Most likely, a common phrase is: “Be able to say no!” familiar to each of us. These words sit in our memory, but they will not begin to work until we ourselves realize the need for this.
• If we analyze our behavior and thoughts at the moment when such a situation arises, then each of us will understand that before giving an answer to our interlocutor, we We don’t weigh the pros and cons enough . Sometimes we agree to this or that service contrary to ourselves and our plans. And as a result, only our interlocutor “wins”. Let's look at why it is sometimes so difficult for us to provide.

7 Best Ways to Learn to Say No - So How to Say No Correctly?

Let's look at the main ways to learn to refuse people:

Each of us sets up barriers for ourselves that prevent us from speaking directly. Most often, the person asking does not want to be deceived; he wants to hear a straight answer - yes or no. We can all understand how to say no to people, but this method is the simplest, most understandable and effective.

One of the most common difficulties is having to turn people down. And although situations often arise at work in which, due to your professional responsibilities, you simply cannot say “no,” other circumstances will arise from day to day that provide you with a certain freedom of choice. How to exercise your right to say “no” and correctly formulate a refusal?

Think about it this way: by not saying “no” at the right time, you will put the other person's needs before your own. Is this what you really want? There are many situations at work when your needs are no less important, and in some circumstances even more important than the needs of your colleagues. Remember how often your colleagues refused you. And you calmly and without irritation accepted this answer. So why worry about someone being upset if you behave in the same way?

The real problem is that saying “yes” all the time can easily become a habit, and changing a ingrained behavior pattern is really difficult. Remember your colleagues. Can you guess what to expect from each of them? Probably yes. Similarly, your colleagues, having become accustomed to your dependability, will most likely begin to turn to you with so many requests that you simply cannot fulfill them. Thus, the habit of constantly agreeing to requests at work will lead you to overwhelm, because you take on more than you can do or what you really should do. This leads to stress, frustration, hostility, conflict and mistakes, and it only gets worse over time.

So, saying no when you feel like it is an important skill to master. You will probably have situations where you want to help someone, even if it is inconvenient for you. Remember: it means respecting your needs and rights as much as the rights of others, and agreeing to compromise when necessary.

Take things gradually and don't try to do everything at once. Try one new skill and hone it until you get it right. Be prepared for the fact that not everything will work out right away. You want to learn new skills, and there are always ups and downs in the process of learning something new.

Many people don’t like to say “no,” believing that the only way to do it is outright refusal. This “no” may seem rude and aggressive. And this is usually not the impression you want to make at work. Are you trying to establish good relationship with colleagues, but you will inevitably have to refuse someone for your own sake - your health and well-being. This means you must be able to say no, but in a way that shows respect for the other person's needs. There are different ways to refuse, depending on the situation. Here are three main options.

Direct refusal- the most uncompromising method, and it is rarely suitable for use at work. It is most often resorted to when someone's rights are violated. In such cases, you can loudly and firmly add: “Can’t you hear, I said no.”

Please provide additional information or promise "some other time"- an opportunity for discussion, while refusal remains among the possible options.

Thoughtful "no"- the most delicate way, because you show that you have listened to your interlocutor.

Below I will explain in detail what each of these options is, but the choice will depend on the situation, your attitude towards it and who is making the request, because this could be your mentor, your direct manager, a colleague or a team member who you really care about. want to help.

Don’t try to radically and suddenly change your behavior. This is especially true for refusals, as you may shock colleagues who were not expecting the leopard to suddenly change its color. It is much better to start small, train hard and change gradually.

9 ways to say no

Don't rush to answer	Before responding to someone's request, take a short pause. You can ask the other person to repeat it again so you have a few seconds to think about it. Or say, “Let me think...” and check your calendar or work plan to give you time to prepare and say no.
Don't apologize too much	Apologize only when you really think it is necessary and appropriate. Many people have already gotten into the habit of repeating the word “sorry” too often. Start sentences with phrases: “Unfortunately...” or “I'm afraid that...”, but only when necessary.
Be concise	Avoid long, wordy explanations of why you can't do something. A simple phrase “It won’t work out today” will be enough. The following expressions may be useful - of course, when they are pronounced with friendly sympathy, warmth and sincere regret: "I'm really sorry, but I can't do this." “Unfortunately, I just don’t have time for this.” “Sorry, it won’t work today.” (Sometimes “sorry” is quite appropriate.)
“Mirror” the behavior of your interlocutor	In this case, you mirror what and how you were asked, but still end the phrase with a refusal. Speak in a friendly manner and with regret, look the other person in the eyes. You:“I don’t have time after lunch to help you with your reports.” Colleague:“But I wanted to start doing it today.” You:“I understand that you wanted to get started on this, but I won’t be able to do it this afternoon.” Colleague:“But I need to finish everything this week.” You:“I understand that you need to finish this week, but I won’t be able to help you this afternoon.”
Broken record technique	It is very important to insist on your negative decision, since usually the interlocutor is trying to force you to change it. Children do this especially well! A useful technique in this case for you may be the broken record technique: just gently repeat your refusal, no matter how much the interlocutor tries to put pressure on you
Explain the reason for refusal	In this case you briefly explain the real reason your "no". Do this only if you want or if it is necessary. You don't have to explain your actions to everyone who asks you for something. “I can’t help you with the report today because I have a business meeting this afternoon.” “I don’t have time for this because I’ll be busy with visitors.”
Offer to fulfill the request another time	In this case, you say “no” now, but perhaps agree to comply with the request later. On English this technique is called a rain check - that is, a ticket stub giving the fan the right to attend a baseball game postponed due to rain. “I can't help you today because I'm in meetings all day, but maybe I have something free time Tomorrow".
Ask for more information	This is not a final refusal; in this case, discussion, compromise or refusal in the future are possible. “How detailed should the report be?” "Can you start without me?"
Ask for time to make a decision	Never be afraid to ask for time to think things through. “I need to check my work schedule, then I will answer you.” “I can't answer now. I'll call you back later"

Useful tips

Saying no to another person is always difficult, and many of us take on obligations that we would like to avoid.

Sometimes we we agree out of politeness, but sometimes we simply don’t know how to refuse a person.

Human nature is such that we want to be liked. b We want to be kind and pleasant to other people.

In many cases, not being able to say no can become a problem because,that we forget about ourselves and our needs, while at the same time trying not to hurt someone else's feelings.

If you're afraid to say no most of the time, you're doing yourself a disservice. It is important for you to set your priorities. By agreeing to everything, you risk simply burning out.

So how to refuse a person without offending him? Here are some tips, how to do it politely and tactfully.

How to learn to refuse people

1. Use the word "No."

Use " No", "Not this time" rather than " I don't think so", "I'm not sure", "Maybe next time". The word “No” has incredible power. Use it if you are absolutely and definitely sure that there can be no other answer. And you don’t need to apologize for your answer. Practice saying the word “No” until you feel comfortable, pronouncing it.

2. Use decisive but polite options.

I appreciate your time, but no thanks.

Thanks for thinking of me, but my plate is already full.

No, thanks!

Not today, thanks.

Not for me, thanks.

I'm afraid I can't.

I'm not that interested in yoga/hard rock/computer games, but thanks for asking.

I don't want to.

I think I'll refuse.

3. Don'tbe cunning.

This goes for family, friends, and even your boss. You don't have to come up with some elaborate ploy all the time - just say you don't want to. If you don't want to go to an event because you've had a rough week and would rather stay home and watch TV, say so. You shouldn't make up a dying grandmother to make your excuse more acceptable.

4. Don't keep explaining.

In some cases it is better not to go into details. If you make too many excuses, it will appear that you are lying, or it will allow the person asking you to find ways around it and get you to agree.

5. Don't be afraid to say it twice.

Some people don't respect other people's boundaries or are used to the person giving in if asked again. Don't give in just because someone is too persistent. Smile politely and say “No” again, even more firmly than the first time.

6. If necessary, say “because.”

Research has shown that the word "because" makes people agree with you, even if the reason is completely absurd. Instead of saying, "Sorry, I won't be able to make the appointment," try to give a reason to soften the refusal.

7. Smile and shake your head.

You can resort to this before leaving. This works when people on the streets are handing out leaflets or trying to get you to sign something.

8. Be relentless.

How to refuse a request

16. Don't delay.

There is no point in making someone wait for an answer if you know the answer will be no. Delaying a response only makes the situation worse. Don't say "I'll think about it" if you don't intend to.

17. You can change your answer.

Just because you agreed once doesn't mean you have to always do it.

18. Repeat this often.

The devil is not as scary as he is painted. The more you practice, the less scary it becomes. Start saying no to everything that doesn't add any value to your life.

19. What a pity!

When you say, "Sorry, I can't," while it softens your message and makes it polite, it sounds rather vague. It's better to say" What a pity, I would like to help, but I have already made an appointment with.... I wish you good luck".

20. Desire to please.

We often agree to things that aren't of primary importance because we don't want people to think badly of us. However, some people will still think badly of us, no matter how polite you are. So stop worrying about what other people will think and finally say “No.”

21. Get ahead of the request.

When you learn to say no, you will begin to proactively say “No” before the request comes up. If you think someone you know is going to invite you to their wedding, let them know you're broke.

22. Avoid those who constantly ask for things.

If you know someone who constantly asks for money without ever paying it back, avoid them, especially when you know they are going through such a period.

23. White lies.

Of course, most of the time you need to tell the truth, but sometimes you have to be creative with your answer. For example, if you know that your grandmother will try to persuade you to eat her pies, tell her that the doctor has forbidden you to eat flour unless you want to offend her. If grandma is very persistent, go back to tip number 2.

24. Not now.

You should only use this answer if you know for sure that you will consider this request later. For example, you could say that you will look into the matter when you return in a week. If the request is not urgent, do not drop everything, but say that you will take the job as soon as you complete your project.

How to refuse beautifully and competently

25. It's not about you, it's about me.

Use this phrase if you feel that the idea/person/activity is better suited to someone else, but that someone is not you. You can also say that it doesn't suit you.

26. It's not about me, it's about you.

Turn that phrase around and don't be afraid to say a firm "No" if you feel confident about it. For example, if you're a vegetarian and don't want to try "a little" of your aunt's meat, say, " Thanks, but you know I'm a vegetarian and would never try this"Draw the line when necessary, and people will respect your choice.

27. Show empathy .

Sometimes all it takes is empathy for the other person. For example, " I know it's unpleasant, but I can't, sorry".

28. You don't have to be nice all the time.

Do you need permission to refuse because you don't want to? Consider it given to you.

29. State your discomfort.

If a friend asks you to borrow money, say something like: " I don't like borrowing money, sorry".

How to refuse a job

30. I would like to help you.

Sometimes you need to be softer. " I'd like to help you with a project, but I'm swamped with work this week.".

31. Thanks, but no.

Sometimes, that's all that needs to be said. Or you can say the above phrase to soften the answer. Thus, you thank the person for contacting you, tactfully refusing him.

32. Use facial expressions and gestures.

Shake your head, raise your eyebrows, and sometimes roll your eyes. Use your body language to demonstrate that you mean business, even when you refuse politely.

33. Buy time.

Use this as a last resort, otherwise you risk being inundated with requests later. You're just postponing the inevitable, but if it helps you, you can say: " Let me think about it", "I'll check my schedule and tell you".

34. I'm flattered, but no, thank you.

Sometimes you need to be grateful that a person has asked you for something. For example, you were offered a promotion at work, but you didn’t want it.

35. I really shouldn't.

This answer is suitable for times when you would like to say "Yes", but feel that you should say no. For example, when you receive an unexpected gift. When you say this, the person will most likely respond so that you accept it without any doubt.

36. No way in the world!

This phrase should be used with caution, and perhaps only with friends.

37. I said "No."

This works with children or pushy consultants. Again, you need to be polite but firm.

38. This is not the best option.

This is a gentle way of saying “No” when, for example, someone asks you “Does this neon dress suit me?” Instead of responding harshly, say that this is not the best color and that you should try on a blue dress.

39. Mmm, no (accompanied by laughter)

Use this phrase carefully, for example, in cases where someone is asking you to work for free or is trying to insult you.

40. I know this is not the answer you were hoping for.

It is important to acknowledge the other person's feelings, and this response will help soften the rejection. If you know that the person is expecting something from you that you cannot do, say “No” and say this phrase.

How to tactfully refuse