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What does he need now?

Here are some possible things that may be important to a person at a certain point in time.

Perhaps this person needs evaluation of what he does at his job. Perhaps he just needs to spend some time with you without breaking up. Perhaps he needs a good listener. He may need some support and counseling because he is facing a specific problem.

Or it could be the complete opposite. Perhaps he just needs to be left alone for a while. Maybe, in fact, he would like you to reduce your level of attention to his person at the moment. (This is something I've discovered in my daughter, who doesn't like to talk much around her friends and who doesn't really feel the need to answer my question: "How was your day?")

For some people, their work efficiency decreases when they lose the feeling that they are valued. Is it possible that the person you are thinking about currently needs a little encouragement? Maybe just a half-hour face-to-face conversation over a cup of coffee will make him feel much better? And maybe a change in his mood will lead to a change in his behavior?

Of course, your answer to this question may be based on your own assumptions, or your relationship is such that you can ask the person directly.

For example, you might ask, "Is there anything about our dating experience that could make our relationship even better and easier than before?"

It's up to you to decide how to answer this question. The main thing is that you do not bypass it.

Am I listening to understand or to protect myself?

Dan Rockwell said, “The path to excellence is paved with tough conversations.” I think he hit the nail on the head.

The reality is that in some cases, improving your relationships with others will require having difficult and possibly tough conversations with them. Let's not pretend this will be easy. These conversations are never easy.

If someone starts criticizing you, it is understandable that you immediately become defensive. Therefore, the best way to try to resolve conflict is to simply shut up. Literally.

A person can talk complete nonsense all this time, and you will have to listen to it. On the other hand, his speech may contain compelling arguments that will give you insight into something you didn't know before.

A grain of wisdom. If you want settle the conflict, make sure you leave your explanations at home why you are right and your opponent is wrong. It always works.

The reality is that in these conversations, listening to understand rather than to defend yourself can be difficult, but try to remove the block.

Perhaps you both actually have something to say. Perhaps there was simply a misunderstanding between you. So try to listen to what your opponent has to say instead of getting defensive. Ask questions when you need clarification on something. And if you agree with something, say so.

A grain of wisdom. It's hard to stay angry at someone who agrees with you and tries to understand you.

It is important to remember this here. Listening to understand does not mean that you will always automatically agree with the other person's point of view. This means that you are simply trying to understand her. And when this happens, it becomes much more likely that your opponent will listen to your point of view. In my relationship with my wife, the answer to this question has been not only difficult, but also useful. When Helen felt the need to provide me with... how should I put this diplomatically... "feedback", my natural reaction was to listen to her only to build protective lines.

However, when I tried to simply understand her point of view, I found many times that her criticism was fair, and in the end I felt obliged to apologize. I wish I could say that my wife and I always manage to resolve disputes peacefully, but the reality is that a combination of pride, emotionality, and exhaustion means that we don't always take this approach.

But when we succeed, any potential conflict is invariably nipped in the bud.

Food for thought

How often do you consciously strive to understand someone else's point of view rather than automatically defend your own?

“I naturally have a lot of fire. I spent a holiday in Spain, spent a lot of time in the sun, and danced in discos at night. These activities increased the fire and caused imbalance in the body: insomnia, irritability, anxiety. Fire is balanced by water - so at the spa I am prescribed light aromas, cool towels, a gentle massage. We combined Ayurveda with marketing” - this is how the Swiss businessman characterizes his business concept IsaacMoreno. A programmer by training, for the last ten years he has been creating conceptual projects in the service industry in Europe. During the crisis, his company Project 42 launched three brands on the Moscow beauty salon market - Mahash, Wax & Go, StressLess. They have different specializations and cover segments from medium ($30 per procedure) to luxury ($200+). The annual turnover of all salons grows by an average of 30%, and profitability is at least 18–20%. Despite the fact that Project 42 today includes only four salons in Moscow, the company plans to become a federal player: salons will be opened in other Russian cities in the near future. In addition, the Mahash salon will open in New York in the fall.

Project 42 has learned to cope with many problems of the cosmetics business, which often lead to bankruptcy: the inability to deal with costs, dependence on star masters, poor staff earnings, etc. However, there are also risks: technological effectiveness, a strict focus on marketing can level out over time individual approach, to which the salon client always gravitates. Moreover, competition in the market is very high: in Moscow alone there are several thousand salons, and network projects are also developing - “Persona”, Jacques Dessange, Tony & Guy, Jean Louis David, “Monet”. Isaac Moreno spoke about organizing an effective beauty service in this competitive environment in an interview with Expert.

- You started develop net salons beauty V crisis, When fall demand amounted to 15 percent, A myself market remained Very competitive. You Not confused such risks?

This is one of the most attractive markets in Moscow, its size is about 10 billion rubles, and its dynamics are about 15 percent. Recently, demand has decreased, but this did not bother me: beauty services are a kind of antidepressant, especially in demand during a crisis. I have long been associated with the service industry - my parents were involved in hotel management. True, in my youth my ideals were Steve Jobs and Bill Gates, and I associated my career exclusively with programming. At the age of seventeen, I managed to open my first business - an Internet portal, which brought in very good money; the company turned out to be one of the first in the Internet logistics services market. My second company, also an Internet portal, was less successful; I lost several million dollars. I thought: what else can I do? I really liked the service - I completed an MBA in service management in Switzerland. While studying, I met my future wife, a Russian woman, and she suggested that I start a business in Russia. In 2008

Third: you believe that God separated you from himself due to the fact that he did not receive WHAT HE NEEDS.

Fourth: you believe that God still NEEDS something SO MUCH that HE requires you, separated from HIM, to give HIM what HE needs.

Fifth: You believe that GOD will destroy you if you do not fulfill and satisfy HIS demands.

THESE FIVE MISCONCEPTIONS HAVE BROUGHT MORE DISASTER AND DISASTER INTO YOUR LIFE than all other beliefs combined.

I will add the following as an explanation of these Five Misconceptions and how it “works” for you. You think that by creating a Crisis, starting wars, being violent, killing people, you are thereby satisfying the needs of God. You think you can do this because God does the same with you. The most interesting thing is that Many of you think that Crises, wars, violence are pleasing to God, since you have to resort to them to Fulfill GOD'S REQUIREMENTS. I assure you - THIS OPINION HAS ALREADY EXISTED ON YOUR PLANET FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

9) But the main thing that you “managed” to “attribute” to ME is that all disasters, the worst events, even the most terrible crimes are the WILL OF GOD! In fact, it was your attempt to UNDERSTAND why all the things listed ahead were happening to you that led you to BELIEVE IN THE EXISTENCE OF A GOD WHO DOES BAD THINGS. You created so many Myths around this that you gradually began to believe in their authenticity. But, I will tell YOU: when Myth turns into Truth, it becomes ORGANIZED RELIGION. And the picture that emerges is that your Pagan beliefs and Organized Religions are not separated by a very big gulf. For both of them, and with them the majority of people, continue to Believe in a Power MORE POWERFUL THAN THEMSELF. And they continue to believe that there is something they can do to PACE THIS SUPERPOWER. And this continues for thousands of years.

First Misconception: PEOPLE ARE SEPARATED FROM EACH OTHER.

Second: There is a shortage of what people need for Happiness (I told you about this last year).

Third: in order to get what is missing, people need to compete with each other. Fourth: Some people are BETTER than others.

Fifth: people tend to resolve contradictions created by other errors by killing each other.

These Five Misconceptions about Life, together with the Five Misconceptions about GOD, formed a CHAIN ​​OF DEADLY MISTAKES, which Created and continues to Create a world of terrible malice, Cruel violence and inescapable sorrow. YOU ARE MISTAKEN that YOU ARE TERRORIZED BY OTHER PEOPLE, YOU ARE TERRORIZED BY YOUR BELIEFS. THESE ARE THE THINGS YOU MUST CHANGE if you ever want to REALIZE YOUR DREAM OF LIVING IN PEACE, HARMONY and HAPPINESS.

I SAY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN: You CANNOT GET RID OF Malice, violence, murder, Pain and terror through political and economic measures alone. You can change them for a short time or stop them, but YOU CANNOT GET RID OF THEM WITHOUT CHANGING YOUR BELIEFS. THE PURPOSE OF OUR DIALOGUE IS TO AWAKEN PEOPLE AND HEAL THE WORLD, AND THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE PURPOSE OF MY DIALOGUE WITH PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY OVER THE LAST FEW THOUSAND YEARS. THIS WILL HELP AND SERVE. I EMPHASIZE AGAIN: PEACE ON YOUR PLANET CAN ONLY BE ESTABLISHED WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR BELIEFS. Otherwise, all your attempts to save the Planet will FAIL.

You are trying to heal the wounds caused by your Beliefs. But your DEEPEST BELIEFS created the behavior that caused those wounds. HUMANITY'S PRIMARY DESIRE IS PEACE, and I am showing you that your CURRENT BELIEFS are NOT PEACEFUL. Remember, PEACE-LOVING IS NOT AN ACTION, IT IS A STATE. You cannot say: “I am becoming Peace-loving,” you say: “I am being Peace-loving.” And this is already a state of being, and the state of BEING IS A MANIFESTATION OF THE SOUL AND MIND.

AMEN.

D. STATE OF BEING.

It is necessary to understand WHAT THE “STATE OF BEING” CONSISTS OF. “State of Being” is a manifestation of the Soul and MIND. The state of “doing” is a manifestation of the BODY. Everything that happens to your body is the result of what happens in your Soul and Mind. YOU need to choose either the first - Soul, or the second - MIND. In this case, if you choose the MIND, the body does EVERYTHING that the MIND represents. If you Choose Soul, then your body does EVERYTHING YOUR SOUL FEEL.

Now. WHAT DOES THE SOUL FEEL? The soul always feels JOY, because IT IS JOY. THE SOUL ALWAYS FEEL LOVE, for THE SOUL IS LOVE. The soul always FEEL THE MIRACLE OF LIFE, ITS CONNECTION WITH THE MIRACLE OF LIFE, for THE SOUL IS THE INcarnate MIRACLE OF LIFE. YOU need to remember how it is to Feel, what YOUR SOUL feels. To do this, you need to be out of YOUR MIND, you must “get out” of your head and “enter” YOUR HEART.

FOR YOUR HEART IS THE BRIDGE between your MIND and SOUL. And therefore, you must first “get out” of your mind, “enter” your heart, and there is only one step left to reach YOUR SOUL. Example: when you are in the space of your Heart together with another person, this is where a conversation between Souls takes place. And when you are in the Space of your Heart WITH YOURSELF, you FEEL A DEEP CONNECTION WITH YOUR SOUL. AND THEN YOU CAN EXPERIENCE UNION WITH GOD – WITH ME.

If you remain in the space of your Mind, then the Mind will influence YOU, “crushing” with its entire Design. Example: If the Mind is depressed or weakened, it will affect the functioning of your body. If the MIND IS ELIGIBLE, STRONG or RENEWED, it will also affect your body. If your MIND is depressed, hurt, exhausted, limited, angry or agitated, THIS WILL DEFINITELY MANIFEST AT THE BODY LEVEL. If your MIND is captivated, Joyful, renewed, FREEDOM and UNLIMITED, the body will behave as the MIND thinks.

For thinking and analyzing people, it will probably not be a big revelation if I say that all this should have been EXPLAINED and TEACHED these Concepts by YOUR ORGANIZED RELIGIONS. To be precise, it is all in the SCRIPTURES. Only the Organized Religions FAILED TO FULFILL THIS PROMISE, they did not convey this to the people, to all of HUMANITY. And the reason is simple, you KNOW it - your organized Religions in the form in which they exist now are almost Religions FOR THE SELECT, Reflecting and serving the interests of small groups of people.

And the reason is that you could not make one Religion become the experience of ALL PEOPLE, THE WHOLE HUMAN SOCIETY. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO COME TO AN AGREEMENT ON HOW YOU SHOULD EXPERIENCE A Religious Experience. In fact (and you see and know it) you disagree so much that you interrupt your Sublime Religious Experience in order to JUDGE those whose experiences are NOT LIKE YOURS. You argued and continue to do so to this day, fought with each other, killed each other, mainly due to differences in views on how to experience Religious Experience “RIGHT”. Claiming that only YOUR EXPERIENCE IS TRUE.

And this is because your Organized Religions have divided people into those for whom they are intended and those for whom they are not. And everything would be fine if your Religions TREATED TOLERANTLY towards those for whom they were NOT INTENDED. BUT, Alas, everything is the other way around. You expect religions to teach you Tolerance, but DO NOT SHOW IT THEMSELVES, and teach you AT ALL

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Do you easily refuse colleagues or relatives who come to you with requests? For many this is a real challenge. We are often afraid to say “no,” even when it is extremely difficult for us to fulfill the person’s request. This is how we simply avoid conflicts and feelings of guilt. But such a habit often only causes irritation and makes you procrastinate. own life. The ability to refuse correctly is useful to any person. And our article will help you master this skill.

We are in website We've put together 10 tips to help you learn how to fight back and maintain good relationships.

10. Understand what you are willing to give up

Before building relationships with other people, it is worth understanding what is really important to you and what is not. To do this, write a list of people, activities and events to which you want to devote your time and energy. After all Until you set your priorities, it will be difficult to know what is really worth spending your time on. Otherwise, you may be tormented by doubts about whether you did the right thing by saying “no.”

9. Offer choice

This is perhaps the easiest way to refuse. After rejecting a person’s request, offer him an alternative, a “consolation prize.”. For example, if you can't meet a friend tonight that you haven't seen in months, promise to do it in a week. The main thing in this case is to try to be truly useful to those who contact you, and not act out of a desire to get rid of feelings of guilt.

8. Express empathy

If you can't help a person, show him that you heard him and understood what he needs. Tell him what he's dealing with challenging task or that he is making every effort to solve it, encourage him. This will help the other person feel better and cope with the rejection easier.

7. Say no to the request, not the person.

Don’t worry that your refusal will seriously offend your interlocutor, because you have no complaints against him, do not reject him and do not spoil your relationship with him. Your refusal to fulfill his request only means that now you do not have the opportunity to help him. Of course, it is important to be polite and friendly, you can praise the person or their work, but still remain firm by saying no. This behavior will let the other person know that you are not rejecting him.

6. Explain the reason for refusal

Not each of us is able to refuse without explaining the reason. And the person who turns to us with a request often expects at least a minimum of words. You should not indulge in long, lengthy explanations; it is better to briefly outline the circumstances that served as the reason for the refusal. Perhaps you are in a hurry to see the doctor, or you are too tired and need rest, or you do not want to take on the task for moral reasons. Be honest with your partner about your motives.

5. Practice saying “no”

All knowledge will remain only in theory if you do not start practicing the ability to refuse different people. To begin with, you can choose very simple situations with minimal risk. For example, say “no” when the waiter in a cafe offers dessert.

Try another training method: sit alone in a room and repeat the word “no” 10 times. This will give you confidence in the right situation.

5. Turn a refusal into a compliment.

Reject your interlocutor's request, but in such a way that your refusal looks like a compliment to him. For example, “Thank you for remembering me” or "I'm glad you asked me first". You can tell him how important his work is, express your gratitude and wish him good luck.

4. Be prepared to choose

We often find it difficult to say “no” not because we are afraid of offending people, but because we feel sorry for missing out on an interesting opportunity. In this case, we forget that refusal is not only a missed opportunity, but also a compromise. Take note: when we say no to one request, we are agreeing to something more important. In this case, we simply choose one of two possibilities. when you

Most likely, after this it will become clear to you that nothing terrible will happen: resentment, discontent, and anger are possible. But nothing catastrophic will happen, this personal law a person - to experience certain emotions. This will not automatically make you bad, but rather less “comfortable.”

It’s up to you to choose - to live in the interests of others, scolding yourself for your weakness, or to lead a truly interesting, rich life in harmony with yourself.

What method do you use to get rid of shifting other people's responsibility onto yourself? Share with us in the comments.

Reasonable world [How to live without unnecessary worries] Sviyash Alexander Grigorievich

Wish the person what he needs!

Another option for resolving a conflict is to wish the person what he wants! Often the basis of a scandal is a lack of some internal qualities. This could be a lack of self-respect, a lack of self-confidence, a lack of warmth and attention from other people, a fear of being alone, a fear of the future, etc. Maybe he was not given something in childhood, and now he trying to get it from you. True, to get what he needs, he uses a not very noble method - conflict, but he simply does not know how to do it any other way.

Therefore, when you are hurt and provoked into an outburst of anger, try to analyze what do they really want from you?. Leave the donor-vampire model aside, become just a person who is sincerely trying to help another person. And first, try to understand what they are trying to get from you through conflict and mutual claims.

If you have calculated this need, then take the next step. Mentally send the person what he wants from you! Send him self-confidence, care and attention from children, or health. Or something else he's missing.

Don't expect an immediate reaction, but continue to mentally send the person what he needs. This may take you a few hours or even a few days. But where should you rush? The soul is immortal, you have eternity ahead of you.

In fact, such a mental wish will be an energy message containing exactly the information and emotions that a person needs. Do this in the form of mental images in which your opponent receives the desired quality in an exaggerated (and even exaggerated) form.

Your mother lacks your attention - mentally give her a hundred caring daughters who will not give her a minute of peace! Is she lacking in demand? Mentally give her two hundred completely helpless daughters (adults, of course), who constantly need her advice and help, etc.

And you will see that a miraculous transformation will happen to the person - he will calm down, your relationships will improve, and previous conflicts will remain a thing of the past. It's worth a little mental effort!

But make these mental messages lightly, cheerfully, without expecting an immediate return. You are simply doing a merciful act - giving a person what he needs! Whether you will be thanked for it or not does not matter.

Otherwise, if you expect a response to your actions, then an idealization of the goal will arise and the possibility of improving your relationship will be blocked.

If you add some words on the same topic to your mental messages (naturally, good and kind), spoken out loud, then the speed of achieving your desired goal will increase sharply. Of course, you need to find words and phrases so that they are pleasant to your opponent and so that he does not take them as mockery.

I must admit that it is usually very difficult to find the strength and words to wish out loud to a person you don’t like what he lacks. If difficulties arise with this, then you can limit yourself to a mental message.

Other options are possible, but all these are decisions at the energy level. To stop conflicts in principle, it is necessary to restore the normal energy of the sick person (energy vampire). And this is possible only if his attitude to life changes and he fulfills the basic requirement that Life makes of us: to accept the world around us as he is in reality, do not judge him. How you can do this is up to you to decide. But this is a prerequisite.

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