Conflicts can arise anywhere, regardless of the people around you and the circumstances. An angry boss or unscrupulous subordinates, demanding parents or dishonest teachers, grandmothers at bus stops or embittered people in public places. Even a conscientious neighbor and a dandelion grandmother can cause a big conflict. This article will discuss how to properly get out of a conflict without suffering damage - moral and physical.
Impossible to imagine modern man who is not subject to stress. Accordingly, each of us experiences such situations every day at work, at home, on the road; some sufferers even experience stress several times a day. And there are people who constantly live in a stressful state and don’t even know it.
Life is a strange and complex thing that can throw up several dozen troubles in one day. However, it is worth remembering: any trouble is a lesson that will definitely come in handy sometime in the future. If a person is an honest student, then he will remember the lecture the first time. If the lesson was unclear, life will confront you with it again and again. And many people take this literally, making their lives more difficult! But sometimes you shouldn’t tolerate certain things, looking for life lessons in them! What specific situations should be stopped?
Everything seems dull and gray, loved ones are annoying, work is infuriating and thoughts arise that your whole life is going somewhere downhill. In order to change own life, it is not necessary to do something supernatural and complex. Sometimes the simplest and most accessible actions for every person can significantly increase your energy level and make you feel much better. Try to implement 7 effective practices into your life that will dramatically change your life for the better.
Anyone who is engaged in self-development knows that he cannot do without a feeling of discomfort. Quite often, people confuse discomfort with a bad streak in life and begin to complain, or even worse, try to avoid change. But as experience shows, only by going beyond comfort can we find and gain all the benefits we need.
Many people cannot imagine their day without one or more cups. And it turns out that drinking coffee is not only tasty, but also healthy! If you don't complain about serious problems health, you can drink a few cups of this delicious drink without remorse and enjoy its benefits.
You can not hold back your emotions, get angry, scream, laugh, cry bitterly and be loudly indignant. Do you think anyone likes such sincerity? Only your enemies enjoy watching this performance. Learning to manage emotions!
Sometimes, succumbing to emotions or allowing ourselves to be led by false feelings, we commit actions that we later repent of. At the same time, we make excuses that we have lost control over ourselves, so emotions have prevailed over reason. That is, we did not control our emotions, but they controlled us.
Is it really that bad? Perhaps there is nothing good in the lack of self-control. People who do not know how to control themselves, maintain self-control and subordinate their feelings to their will, as a rule, do not achieve success in anything. personal life, nor in the professional sphere.
They do not think about tomorrow, and their expenses often far exceed their income.
Incontinent people flare up like a match during any quarrel, unable to stop in time and compromise, which earns them the reputation of a conflict person. At the same time, they also destroy their health: doctors claim that many diseases have a direct connection with such negative emotions as anger, etc. People who value their own peace and nerves prefer to avoid them.
People who are not accustomed to limiting themselves spend too much free time in empty entertainment and useless conversations. If they make promises, they themselves are not sure whether they can fulfill them. It is not surprising that no matter what field they work in, they are rarely professionals in their field. And the reason for it all is lack of self-control.
A developed sense of self-control allows you to maintain a cool head, sober thoughts and understanding in any situation that feelings may turn out to be false and lead to a dead end.
There are also situations when we need to hide our emotions in our own interests. “Sometimes I am a fox, sometimes I am a lion,” said the French commander. “The secret... is to understand when to be one and when to be another!”
People who control themselves deserve respect and enjoy authority. On the other hand, many people think they are callous, heartless, “insensitive blockheads” and...incomprehensible. Much more understandable to us are those who from time to time “go all out,” “break down,” lose control of themselves and commit unpredictable acts! Looking at them, we also seem to ourselves not so weak. Moreover, becoming restrained and strong-willed is not so easy. So we reassure ourselves that the life of people who are guided by reason and not by feelings is joyless, and therefore unhappy.
That this is not the case is evidenced by an experiment conducted by psychologists, as a result of which they came to the conclusion: people who can overcome themselves and resist momentary temptation are more successful and happy than those who are unable to cope with emotions.
The experiment is named after Michel Walter, a psychologist from Stanford University. It is also known as the “marshmallow test” because one of its main “heroes” is an ordinary marshmallow.
The experiment, conducted in the 60s of the last century, involved 653 4-year-old children. They were taken one by one into a room where one marshmallow lay in a plate on the table. Each child was told that he could eat it now, but if he waited 15 minutes, he would get another one, and then he could eat both. Michel Walter would leave the child alone for a few minutes and then return. 70% of children ate one marshmallow before he returned, and only 30 waited for it and received a second one. It is curious that the same percentage was observed during a similar experiment in two other countries where it was conducted.
Michel Walter followed the fate of his students and after 15 years came to the conclusion that those who at one time did not succumb to the temptation to get “everything now”, but were able to control themselves, turned out to be more learnable and successful in their chosen areas of knowledge and interests. Thus, it was concluded that the ability to self-control significantly improves a person’s quality of life.
Isaac Pintosevich, who is called the “success coach,” argues that those who have no control over themselves and their actions must forget about efficiency forever.
How to learn to manage yourself
1. Let's remember the “marshmallow test”
30% of 4-year-old children already knew how. This character trait was inherited from them “by nature,” or this skill was instilled in them by their parents.
Someone said: “Don’t raise your children, they will still be like you. Educate yourself." Indeed, we want to see our children restrained, but we ourselves throw tantrums in front of their eyes. We tell them that they must cultivate willpower, but we ourselves show weakness. We remind them to be punctual and we are late for work every morning.
Therefore, we begin to learn to control ourselves by carefully analyzing our behavior and identifying “weak spots” - where exactly we allow ourselves to “unravel.”
2. Components of control
The aforementioned Yitzhak Pintosevich believes that in order for control to be effective, it must include 3 components:
- Be honest with yourself and have no illusions about yourself;
- You should control yourself systematically, and not occasionally;
- Control should be not only internal (when we control ourselves), but also external. For example, we promised to solve a problem within such and such a period. And, in order not to leave ourselves a loophole for retreat, we announce this among our colleagues. If we do not meet the stated time, we pay them a fine. The danger of losing a decent amount of money will serve as a good incentive not to be distracted by extraneous matters.
3. We write down the main goals facing us on a sheet of paper and put (or hang) it in a visible place
Every day we monitor how far we have managed to move towards their implementation.
4. Putting our financial affairs in order
We keep our loans under control, remember if we have any debts that urgently need to be repaid, and balance debits with credits. Our emotional state is quite dependent on the state of our finances. Therefore, the less confusion and problems there are in this area, the less reason we will have to “lose our temper.”
5. Observe our reaction to events that evoke strong emotions in us and analyze whether they are worth our worries
We imagine the worst case scenario and understand that it is not as terrible as the consequences of our inadequate and thoughtless behavior.
6. We do everything the other way around
We are angry with a colleague, and we are tempted to say “a few kind words” to him. Instead, we smile welcomingly and give a compliment. If we were offended that another employee was sent to the conference instead of us, we should not be angry, but would be happy for him and wish him a happy journey.
Since the very morning we have been overcome by laziness, so we turn on the music and get down to some business. In a word, we act contrary to what our emotions tell us.
7. A famous phrase says: we cannot change our circumstances, but we can change our attitude towards them.
We are surrounded different people, and not all of them are friendly and fair to us. We cannot be upset and indignant every time we encounter someone else's envy, anger, or rudeness. We need to come to terms with what we cannot influence.
8. The best assistant in mastering the science of self-control is meditation.
How physical exercise develop the body, just as meditation trains the mind. Through daily meditation sessions, you can learn to avoid negative emotions and not give in to passions that interfere with a sober view of circumstances and can destroy your life. With the help of meditation, a person immerses himself in a state of calm and achieves harmony with himself.
You have to be a strong person to remain calm and balanced during a conflict. Emotions must obey reason. But how to learn to control yourself when your head is filled with negative thoughts. Negative thoughts cause a person to lose his positive energy.
How can you learn to always control yourself?
First of all, you need to start thinking correctly. You should get rid of negative thoughts. Bad thoughts should not overwhelm the brain. With negative thoughts, a person becomes unsure of himself and depressed.
Negative thoughts are caused by the appearance new task. The person begins to doubt that he can complete this task. Uncertainty should be discarded and cut off. Only then will it be possible to solve the problem.
You need to be able to argue: how to learn to control yourself?
If you think through all your actions well, then things will go well. We need to collect more information about this case, and then there will be confidence that it will be resolved.
Don't take on tasks that you can't handle.
How to control yourself in a conflict: During a conflict, it is difficult to control your anger...
But this can be done with the help of thoughts. You need to think about why this person needed to upset and hurt you. Perhaps if they found themselves in his shoes, everyone would do the same as him.
Sometimes a person needs to get rid of accumulated emotional burden
Only after that, oh good relations with the offender you can forget. Storing emotions also does not benefit the body. However, you can't let them loose too much.
In a conflict, you can control yourself in the following ways:
Each person may be concerned about the solution to this issue. Unexpected strong feelings spoil relationships with the environment. As a result, discord occurs in family relationships and at work.
When you suppress your emotions, you lose your individuality. If you suppress emotional outbursts every time, they will suddenly spill out and destroy your entire way of life:
- You should pay attention to how calm people react to stress and take an example from them.
- For any life situations you should watch with a smile and faith that everything will work out.
- If the enemy steps on your foot, there is no need to cry. Only a smile can throw him off balance.
Life consists of continuous problems, but there are also joyful days. In order for there to be more of them, you need to take a simpler approach to life. You need to look at problems as yet another test that you will overcome and get first place in the sports game called life!
Sooner or later, each of us finds ourselves in a situation where we need to figure out how to pull ourselves together. However, this does not always work out. In order not to lose touch with reality and not find yourself on the sidelines of life, it is important to be able to maintain composure even in unfavorable situations. Today I will tell you how to do this.
Almost a “Hamlet” question: to pull yourself together or not to pull yourself together?
How to pull yourself together? The classic once answered this difficult question through the lips of his hero: “Learn to control yourself!” This phrase has become a catchphrase. And the situation in which it was uttered, let me remind you, was this: Pushkin’s Eugene Onegin is trying to reason with young Tatyana, who confessed her love to him, in an adult way. At the same time, he explains to the young lady in love that she has nothing to hope for.
This is such a difficult situation: a young woman has to endure the cruelty of male rejection (rarely, but it also happens). And the heroine has no choice but to pull herself together and learn to live with it. C'est la vie.
What do you need to know and be able to do in order to be the master of your life and not let troubles knock you out of the saddle?
I won’t tell anyone a secret: life is a difficult thing, because sometimes it throws up such tricks that require maximum concentration of fortitude and the ability to stay afloat.
Difficult situations can be associated not only with the sphere of personal relationships. We may encounter troubles at work, in friendships, in relationships with relatives, and in health matters.
Life is by no means always a holiday; it is full of the most unpredictable improvisations - unfortunately, not always pleasant. However, being aware of this, it is important to know that in most cases (90% out of 100%), everyday problems, difficulties, troubles are not a death sentence. Therefore, having mastered a certain technique, it is quite possible to cope with many problems and even transfer them from a negative dimension to a positive one.
Important: the technique of self-control is the ability to pull yourself together in critical situations, group and face reality without fear or reproach. But the absence of this important skill leads to the opposite, even disastrous results: a person allows himself to dissolve, panic and fall victim to circumstances.
Everything, of course, largely depends on temperament, character, and upbringing. Some, for example, lack fortitude, others - life experience, and some may just like to pretend to be a victim, manipulating relatives, friends, and those around them. As a rule, such characters live by the energy of self-pity, being, in fact, energy vampires. But today we are not talking about them.
Pros and cons of mastering self-control techniques
| Advantages | Flaws |
|---|---|
| A person who masters the technique of self-control is much more attractive to others. And in every sense: these are the people you want to be friends with, build family relationships, work and even go on reconnaissance missions (it’s better, of course, that this is only a metaphor for reliability). | But here it’s the other way around: it’s uncomfortable to be around a person who is accustomed to letting go for any reason, even without a reason (in friendship, love, at work, and especially in dangerous situations). He will simply let you down at the first turn. |
| People who know how to pull themselves together and rely only on themselves live full and fulfilling lives. They know how to behave in difficult situations and, if necessary, without unnecessary emotions, take consistent and effective actions, eliminating problems on the fly. | People who get lost at the first “click” (not even a blow) of fate waste their vital energy on useless nagging - instead of eliminating the problem in its bud. As a result, they waste precious time, allowing the situation to reach a stage where it is no longer reversible. By the way, this very often concerns health problems. |
| The art of self-control allows you to separate the wheat from the chaff: a person does not get wasted on trifles, sets serious goals for himself, and then step by step achieves their implementation. He is well versed in people and almost unerringly chooses a life partner, friends, work, etc. He knows how to say a firm “no” to everything that contradicts his principles. No, this is not pragmatism, but clear understanding the fact that you need to live straight away. | The inability to pull yourself together (and, in general, to control yourself) is the lot of weaklings who easily exchange their precious life time for all sorts of nonsense. And even if fate has endowed them with some abilities, they do not find the strength to develop them. Most often, such people take the path of easy and harmful pleasures, and also get involved with the same weak-willed friends. At the first difficulty, they seek solace in indulgence bad habits. And sometimes, unable to cope with a serious situation, they even commit suicide. |
Now let's compare two situations: before a person, finding himself in a difficult situation, pulled himself together, and after he managed to do it:
Is it worth coping with the situation: a comparison of “before” and “after”
| To | After |
|---|---|
| You understand that life has gone out of its usual rut. You need to analyze the situation, assessing its risks and take effective action to eliminate unpleasant consequences. | By applying techniques for overcoming a difficult situation, you direct your life in the right direction. Without losing faith in your strength, you do not waste time on “toxic” emotions and complaints about the injustice of life. |
| By weighing the pros and cons of the current situation, you are preparing yourself to, by turning on the necessary emotional and mental reserves, act “at the same time” with life, and not in spite of it. | By accepting new circumstances, you thereby place trust in life. And, as you know, she often acts in our interests: by closing some doors, she opens others. It’s just that we very often hold on to the bird in our hand, not suspecting that fate has prepared for us the crane (for example, we are afraid of losing our job, for fear of facing financial problems). |
| Finding yourself in a difficult situation, any person, of course, experiences confusion of feelings. His main task– maintain self-confidence and the ability to make reasonable decisions. And also, don’t let the energy of fear paralyze your consciousness. | Once you conquer fear, the situation will become clearer, and you will be able to take the most effective steps to minimize your losses with a cool head. Otherwise, they can become catastrophic. |
We must not lose sight of the fact that our fears are the most powerful magnets for making fears come true. Because they are driven by the strongest emotions, which are energetically capable of attracting unpleasant expectations and negative scenarios.
I offer a technique that allows you to pull yourself together in circumstances that threaten negative consequences.
Step-by-step instructions on how to pull yourself together
| Steps | Description |
|---|---|
 Step 1. | State the problem you are facing as accurately as possible. |
 Step 2. | Analyze what specific emotions you are experiencing. Focus on how your body feels (stiffness? tension? powerlessness?) What thoughts dominate your mind? |
 Step 3. | Ask yourself this question: what is the worst thing that can happen in this situation? |
 Step 4. | What about the other way around? What is the best solution to this problem? |
 Step 5. | What seems to you the biggest problem in making your desire come true? What is your fear that prevents it from coming true? |
 Step 6. | What compelling counterarguments can you use to overcome your fears? Imagine that your task is to convince your loved one that this is possible (for example: I am good-looking, I have a high IQ, I can be convincing, I have enough charm, I have excellent intuition, I can handle it, etc.). |
 Step 7 | Take a piece of paper and a pen. Write down your arguments as succinctly and convincingly as possible to make your wish come true. Translate all the verbs from the future into the present (according to the model: I cope with the situation, I do the right thing, I have enough intuition, I believe in my strength, in my abilities, in my knowledge, etc.) Do not use the particle in your formulations and the preposition “not”, as well as other negatives. Thus, you transform your negative psycho-emotional attitudes into positive affirmations (short verbal formulas). |
 Step 8 | In the evening, half an hour before bed, and in the morning (half an hour after waking up), recite (read) these affirmations, imagining (visualizing) them as clearly as possible. At this time (between reality and sleep) contact with the subconscious is closest. Under the influence of this technique, your consciousness will be reformatted. |
If you do all of the above correctly, with maximum dedication and faith in a positive result, and also consistently back up your words with conscientious actions, the Universe will begin to cooperate with you and make your desires come true.
Once you overcome your fears, push them aside, making room for positive expectations and positive scenarios, you will change your destiny for the better. No one except ourselves can prevent us from being happy.
What does a person need to pull himself together?
How to pull yourself together? To do this you need:- Believe in yourself.
- Do not allow the energy of fear to overwhelm the energy of your will.
- Do not limit yourself only to words, even if they are very strong from an energetic point of view. Always back up all verbal formulas with effective actions.
- Develop intuition, try to see beyond what is happening under your nose. Perhaps what seems to you an insurmountable obstacle is a step to move to a new level.
- Remember that life is a space of possibilities and options. , you make a choice of a specific option for your life and become the real master of your destiny.
Techniques for transforming negative psycho-emotional attitudes into positive ones:
A story from life about how the right attitude can help you pull yourself together
The story I am about to tell is a real case from my practice. A middle-aged woman (let's call her Tamara) was left alone with her teenage daughter. Her husband began to travel more and more often on business trips, and then disappeared completely. Without warning. Tamara tried to look for him and went to his superiors. There she was surprised to be informed that her husband had quit his job for six months already.
For some time she didn’t know what to think: was he alive or not?
And then it turned out that her “husband” started a new family in another city. At first I tried to live in two houses, simulating (here and here) business trips. And then his new wife became pregnant, and he decided to stay with her. He didn’t have the courage to admit and at least get a divorce in a humane way, and Tamara was left in such a strange situation. This, as you might guess, did not improve her mood.
When it was discovered that he had so absurdly abandoned her with a teenage girl in his arms, Tamara fell into a stupor and remained in it for about a year. And then she turned to me.
After lengthy conversations, it turned out that she had no love for her husband for a long time, that he began to “behave” about five years ago and that their family relationship had long existed by inertia - without understanding, mutual interest, and especially without normal feelings. Who is to blame for this? I think both. But let's leave this question aside. Now let’s talk about something else.
So, Tamara herself came to the conclusion that her husband’s departure was not such a big loss. Of course, I feel sorry for the child, but what can you do? But the biggest problem for Tamara came down to the fact that she is already 36 years old, and that she most likely will not get married.
Listening to her conclusions, I looked at her and thought: if only, my dear, I could take you to a good stylist now, then:
a) no one would give you more than 28;
b) you definitely wouldn’t have a break from men.
In general, we worked with her, compiled a list of affirmations, and she began to regularly visualize them before bed and after sleep. And soon, with each visit, a completely different Tamara began to come to me, changing for the better before my eyes.
And then I realized: “It’s time!” and took her to a very good stylist. And the miracle of transformation happened. Why didn't I do this right away? Yes, because self-confidence, in her feminine irresistibility, in the fact that a person is the master of his own destiny, did not come to her right away.
Two more years passed. Tamara now lives in a small town in northern Italy. Her new husband Marco (whom she met by chance at an Italian short film festival) loves her very much, and their daughter is studying at art school.
True, her ex-husband called Tamara a couple of times and told her how much he loved her, and what a fool he was for making such an unforgivable mistake. Of course, he asked to be given a chance to fix everything. However, Tamara told him a firm “no” and asked him not to bother him anymore.
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How to cope with momentary emotions that lead to yelling at a child? How not to yell at a child? How not to yell? We will tell you about several ways to help you with this.
We parents know exactly what our children should do, but we often forget what we shouldn't do ourselves. We often use our superiority over the child, allowing ourselves to shout at our own children, trying to reason with them and convey to them the “truth of existence.”
Of course, parents are people too. A tense situation at work, feeling unwell, and the children again misbehave and disobey. All this can be a reason for screaming at a child. But in most cases, first we scream, and then we repent and suffer, realizing that screaming is not the most best way education.
Yes, of course, yelling at a child can have an impact, because... There's nothing worse than a screaming mom. But do you need such obedience? When a child makes a decision not because he realized its necessity, but just so that his mother does not yell. Because while we are screaming and trying to convey to the child the essence of his mistake or incorrect behavior, he has only one thought in his head: “I wish mom (dad) would stop screaming soon.” How can you learn to manage your emotions?
I am sure that any adult and conscientious parent can calmly explain to their child his mistake, his misconduct, and talk about how this should no longer be done and why.
The ability to calmly talk to your child in any situation will increase your self-esteem as a parent. And the meaning of your explanation will reach the child much faster if he hears your balanced, albeit stern, voice. But the fact that a child needs to explain his mistakes in a calmer state and in a balanced tone is clear to everyone, but how to do this?
1. Realize that you will never yell at your child again.
It is not worthy to shout at all, and especially at children, who should understand and obey perfectly (even if in fact the children do not understand at all even the tenth time). Just start by realizing that you never ever You won't yell at your children! And no matter what they do, no matter how hard they try, they will not be able to make you scream. As soon as you notice that you are yelling at your child, stop for a second and imagine yourself... for example, Queen Elizabeth of England, second or first, it doesn’t matter. Just imagine for a moment how a person who is for you the standard of endurance and restraint would behave in this situation.
2. Make any excuses for your child.
As soon as you notice that you are about to start yelling at your child, imagine that a complete stranger and stranger or a person who is extremely unpleasant to you begins to swear at him with your words.
3. Pretend your child is a stranger
Another similar method. When you notice a desire to scream, imagine that in front of you is not your own and beloved child, but a stranger (a neighbor, the child of your friends or relatives). After all, you won’t allow yourself to yell at someone else’s child. Firstly, you won't take the situation so seriously, but secondly, this is not your child and you cannot yell at other people’s children in principle.
There is something to think about here. Why, we are more tolerant of the misdeeds of other people’s children than the mistakes of our own.
4. Invite guests
We are very affectionate with our children when we have guests in our house. Therefore, the impulse to yell at a child can be extinguished by imagining a distant relative or friend in the next room. After all, you wouldn’t yell at a child in front of guests, so why can this be done without them?
Why can we hide ours in front of strangers? negative emotions, but we don’t even try to do this in front of our children.
As a rule, having overcome the first minutes of increased negative emotionality, we no longer see the unpleasant situation that has occurred as so dramatic, in which it is necessary to shout and raise our voice.
5. Imagine yourself on a TV show
This method helped me when it seemed that children’s pranks, misunderstandings and whims could drive me crazy. And I understood that the possibility of breaking into a scream was very great. At such moments, I simply imagined that I was participating in some kind of reality show, like “ best mom " or even " draw“And I need to get out of this situation with dignity. And I found, as it seems to me, quite reasonable solutions from a pedagogical point of view.
I don’t know how correct my advice is from a psychological point of view. But I came up with these methods, trying to look like an emotionally balanced and loving mother in the eyes of my children.
Children have the right to make mistakes. Their mistakes and misdeeds should be taken for granted. It is foolish to expect ideal behavior from a child.
Now that my children have already reached the age category of teenagers, which is quite difficult for adults to perceive, I have learned very well to control my emotions, no matter what news they present to me.
